| Wednesday, 16 July 2008 |
| its way too soon to say... |
My first ever patient-death.
Its a horrible feeling.
I dunno what else to say. I need to vanish from this place for awhile...
I told myself not to think about it. But you know what they say about the stages of grief. There's denial, then anger, and finally acceptance.
To discover that a patient that you have gotten to know so well, so much so that you develop a kind of friendship or bond with him, had passed on is just... indescribable. No words can express the cacophony of emotions I felt when his wife told me that he didn't make it. I dunno whether I was more angry at myself for not even knowing that he had passed, or that I was had just made his wife sad again. I feel like I'm really quite useless a person, let alone a doctor. I don't see how I can ever become a competent one. Seriously.
Its only week 4 and I'm beginning to feel that everything I do is caustic to patients... that I exist only to bring more harm to them.
I think I must be the only medical student to ever start feeling this way just 4 weeks into clinicals. My physical examination skills are more cumbersome than smooth, there are amazing lapses in my knowledge... I'll probably end up as some screwed up doctor who does more harm than good to his patients.
Seriously. I must be the first ever student to feel this way just 4 weeks into clinicals. I'm probably the first ever student to face the issue of patient death just 4 weeks into clinicals as well.
I know we are supposed to get used to it, because we'll see lots of death in this line of work. I know we are supposed to learn how to not let such events affect us. But its just way too soon for me to be facing such issues. Way too soon. I was caught off guard, and it really is an unpleasant, horrible feeling.Labels: emo, meltdown |
posted by voldemort33 @ 20:37  |
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