| Thursday, 21 June 2007 |
| just wondering |
Xiuzhen was giving me a long long talk yesterday about erm... relationships.
I guess she took the cue to start after reading the last bit on my blog entry yesterday and sorta guessed that I'm not really over the whole fiasco of a relationship, so she gave me loads and loads of advice.
It was quite a weird conversation really. I had no idea that a conversation that started with the assertion that Spongebob Square Pants is quite an intellectual cartoon could actually turn into one in which two rather depressed people start discussing the fundamentals of a break up.
One of the main things we discussed about was that you'll eventually feel numb about it.
Unfortunately, I don't think I'm in that stage yet. I have no idea which stage of grief (or whatever you call it) I'm currently in. I've most certainly worked my way out of denial but I guess I'm still not really ready to just let it all go.
Not that I haven't been trying. Just that sometimes, when you are alone, with absolutely nothing to do, the pangs of sadness just hit you, and you just can't help but wonder if she's in as much pain as you're in.
And then you try to deflect the pain by forcing yourself to be occupied with something, be it computer games, blogging, tv... anything.
But that feeling that you still lack something in life still lingers somewhere in you and when the distraction you throw upon yourself finally wears off, you are left right where you started in the first place - still feeling a bit sad about it. (and I guess my habit of listening to lots of sad songs when I'm feeling down doesn't really help to elevate my mood.)
Another point to note - I don't think I'm ready to let it go because, lets face it, the break up was just a couple of months ago.
Xiuzhen reckons that that's long enough a period of time to stop mulling over a relationship, but I dunno, I still think its too short a period to even try to get over it.
I guess all I'm saying is that I still need time. I had hoped the 3 weeks in Europe would help lessen the pain of the transition and I guess talking about it with my travel mates during interrogation sessions helped a bit, but still, I need more time to deal with it before I reach the point where I can look back and really just take it for what it is.
And I guess that's the difference between boys and girls. Boys need to reason with themselves that its all over, to rationalize it all before accepting that its completely over. Girls I dunno, can just deal with it without rationalizing it.
But anyway, I just need time. I need time to deal with it. Time to work it all out. Yeah.
Half the time during the conversation, I was lost in my own thoughts actually. I remember that she was just going on and on and I just sat on my chair looking blankly at the words flashing across the screen.
Not that I was being rude or anything, because whatever it is, it was very thoughtful of Xiuzhen to pick up the fact that I've been abit unstable since my return to this humid island (even though I have this strange ability to mask as much of it when I'm meeting people) and I truly appreciate the whole talk.
But something just struck me halfway through the conversation, a kind of realization that I always get when listening to sad songs, like everything suddenly fits now. And all of a sudden, flashes of the more memorable times we spent together started flashing across my mind again.
But the thing is, maybe I'm the only one who bothers with all this reminiscing and wallowing in despair or whatever; she might not even be too affected by all this. In fact, judging by what I know about her, she's probably dealing with it by having lots and lots of fun or throwing herself into a pile of work - she's just too restless a character to stay at home and let the emptiness strike.
Okay. Now that I'm here I don't really know how to continue or conclude this whole entry.
Lets just it end here.Labels: emo, soul |
posted by voldemort33 @ 09:31  |
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