I sometimes wonder why I ever chose to be in Medicine, to join a faculty where everyone is incredibly driven and never afraid to show it. Its like subjecting oneself to torture or locking yourself in a pressure cooker. The pressure is stifling and while it doesn't knock you out in the very first instance, it takes time to build up in intensity until the combined pressure becomes just simply too much to handle. That's when you are forced to implode.
I must admit that, up to now, I've never had to grapple with this unfortunate truth. Today was the day that I actually felt and witnessed the intensity of it all, the way the all encompassing pressure engulfs you and threatens to overpower you. I've finally had to face it and I'm telling you, I definitely do not want to have to face it again.
Its times like this when the unfortunate little thing called 'regret' would start to rear its ugly head, and then you wonder why you chose to let yourself be cooked in the pressure cooker in the first place. You start to wonder how life would be if you chose to be locked on the other side of the fence, to roam free among the fields and to find yourself with the time to stop and smell the flowers, instead of being hustled along a long stretching road of never-ending competitions and challenges. Its times like this when the tricky little thing called 'doubt' starts to surface in your heart and mind, and then you wonder if you can handle the immense pressure of it all; if you are equipped to survive the rat-race, if you are on par with your fellow compatriots. You start wondering if you can ever match up to them, if you can ever compete with them, because you realise you just don't have the strength, stamina or speed to match them, because you don't see the point in doing so.
These are the days where the wish to NOT be in the race really surfaces. I can honestly say that I really really wish that I was free and carefree like Chen Sheng and just strolling down a beach somewhere along the Malayan Coast, singing a couple of Pantuns, with hardly a care for the world. Or exploring the streets of Europe and learning about the local history and culture. Some people would call this desire of mine to be escapism. I view it as liberation.
At this point in time, I would give anything to be living a carefree life and to not be stuck in the cruel and ultra-competitive world of Medical School. I am honestly, quite sick of all the everyday politics and subtle rivalries as people, be it enemies, rivals and even friends, struggle to outwit and outmatch each other. It is just exhausting, too exhausting for one to have to face.
Everything has got to have an ending. I pray for its swift arrival.
Barack Obama has won the US elections, and will become the 44th President of the United States of America. In doing so, he will be the first African-American President to be sworn into office. What an awesome feeling it is, to be watching right before our eyes as history is being made!
I think that its amazing how he has staged this amazing path to victory, from being a junior senator that everyone hardly knew, to become the man that he is today, the man that is the President-elect of the USA, the man that everyone wants to know more about. From his arduous fight against Hilary Clinton for the Democratic nomination, to the final duel with John McCain for the Presidency, Obama has never failed to impress me.
There was something different about him, something that both Clinton and McCain lacked. Maybe it was the steady way he spoke, maybe it was the way he carefully ponders and chooses his words, maybe it was calm, soothing nature of his voice, but Barack Obama gave me a sense of confidence, a sense of hope, a sense that something good can and WILL be done to the World, that there was something out there worth fighting for. I felt that he was able to connect with him, to inspire me and that he knew what he was fighting for, that he strongly believed in the ideals he believed in. Most importantly, he restored my sense of hope! He restored my belief in the way we individuals can make a difference, he gave me a pride for the collective spirit of the human world; he reminded me of what it feels like to dare to dream and reinvigorated my view of the future with hope. I have never felt this excited and expectant of the better days to come!
Watching Obama's victory speech made the victory especially sweet. Its a very different speech from that which he made at the Democratic National Convention a few months back. The previous speech was just inspiring. This speech was noticeably more subdued, but not without strength; the mood was somber but not sullen. This was a man who was humbly accepting the enormous responsibility that his country had placed upon on him, this was a man who was expressing gratitude to the millions of people who placed their hopes and dreams into his hands. This was a man who knew that, not just his nation, but the entire world was counting on him to show the leadership needed to lead humanity out of a dark and despairing time. And it is by no means going to be an easy task.
8 years of policies under the Bush administration has left behind an America so divided, so weak and weary that it has now started to drag the world along with it as well. The economy is in shambles, the 2 wars unsettled, the outlook is bleak and depressing. Dark clouds loom within everyone's minds. Obama has to pick up the pieces of a nation (and a world) frustrated and disgusted with the way America has devolved into a nation so troubled and inconsistent. He has to clean up Bush's huge stinking mess. He has to restore pride and honor to the United States, and to reignite America's leadership of the world. While it is highly unlikely that he will succeed in resolving every single problem that Bush has left behind (IT is a rather BIG mess!), I have no doubt that Obama will do everything he can within his power to bring about the change that we sorely need. It really is the time for America, for the rest of the world to change, not in the way and direction that George W.Bush has misguided us for the past 8 years, but to truly change for the better.
I just found out that lectures start at 11:00 am tomorrow. Hence I decided to not catch up with much needed sleep and risk a little facet of my sanity by staying up to blog.
I just got back from Kheng Wee's 21st birthday party... the thing about 21st birthday parties, is that its always more fun to be a guest than to be the host of the party itself. You don't really get to enjoy your own party, because it always ends up to be a logistics nightmare. Plus, you have so many guests to entertain that you often find yourself hard pressed for time to even get to talk to all of them. But when you are a guest, you have all the right in the world to engage in crazy merry making. You don't have to care if its awkward or not, just go ahead and party your life away!
I enjoyed myself at Kheng Wee's party today, because I got to see so many members of 71 today, especially the people from overseas! Ailin and Huilin were both there! Haven't seen the two of them in ages, and I must say it always feels great to be able to talk to the two of them. Both of them are very sensible, and always have a calming and positive effect on my rather erratic thought processes and moods. I must say very few of my friends have that kind of an effect on me... hmmm. But yes, the Econs S people owe me a birthday celebration! Econs S should just meet up for a celebratory dinner for all the birthdays that we had missed! Hope I have time to squeeze out of my busy schedule...
I was complaining to Ailin about how I sometimes feel so demoralized at the end of every single day because of the sheer exhaustion of clinical work. Its strange because I really really enjoy clinical work. When I'm in the hospital, I don't feel tired, or demoralized at all, mainly due to the fact that I hate to waste my time in the hospital complaining about the workload or how tired I am. I really do feel my best in the hospital, but its the lecture sessions and the nights at home that are truly the worst aspect of the whole business of clinicals. I was telling her how I sometimes feel that I've entered an industry that seems to lack in appreciation. I must say that she said some stuff that really made me feel much better about my current situation and that she reminded me that its all a game of perseverance! And she's right: I think we do need friends who aren't from medicine to remind us about such stuff. At the end of the day, its all about reminding ourselves that our lives aren't just about medicine and that there's something more than just books, patients and procedures.
I am supposed to do something that Geraldine tagged me to do, but I'm feeling lazy right now... We'll see if I have the time for it in the upcoming week. My entries are becoming more and more sporadic and mundane... but I guess I'm just not getting the level of inspiration that I used to have.
Today, while being surrounded by the most lavish of designer kitchenware, I came to a sudden realisation:
You can have the most lavish house in the country, the coolest car on earth, the largest paycheck across the planet, the most meaningful and successful career ever and the craziest bunch of friends in the whole universe... And still feel like the loneliest loser that ever lived.
I think humans are too eager to be happy. Why can't we be completely unemotional and unfeeling, and just enjoy the emptiness of NOT feeling anything at all? I think that many of us, in an effort to be happy, seek out the company of others, the fun in activities, the intoxication of substances, but more often than not, we end up discovering that the high we so often sought for, isn't as great as we had hoped it to be. And than we come crashing down and desperately seeking to eat the humble pie and to lick our wounds.
I think to reach a state of nirvana is to accept the fact that you don't have to be happy all the time. Sometimes it takes so much bloody hard work to achieve happiness, its actually much easier and, ironically, happier to not try at all. Perhaps its just better to feel like... nothing at all. I'm not happy, I'm not sad; I've given up on being angry or depressed, I'm just feeling... nothing. Maybe that's the key to being... free! Yes. To be free.
Its a matter of finding and defining what it means to be happy. Very often, its all about finding a state that's neither here nor there: and being in limbo is strangely the state that brings you the most peace and contentment.
And its Vesak day, the perfect day to meditate and attain enlightenment. What wonderful symmetry.
So the first week of clinicals has come and gone. I think everyone has their own opinion of how good ,(or bad) it was. I think its infinitely better than the days in lecture halls, struggling to stay awake during boring lectures. But at the same time, its so much more challenging and tiring compared to the foundation years. First of all, we have much longer hours. Secondly, we no longer have the structured lessons and system of the past. And lastly, we no longer get to see all the friends and people that we used to be able to spend time with everyday.
The whole uncertainty that being in clinics bring is quite daunting. I suppose everyone feels kinda out of loop of what exactly we should do and how about we should be doing it. I mean, everyone knows we are in the wards to learn how to do the basics of taking a history and eventually, to learn how to do a basic physical exam. We know that we should be learning to talk to patients, to get over our initial fear of interacting with patients. So what do many of us try to do? Keep clerking patients. But then again, that isn't easy because it takes lots of luck to find a patient that is willing to entertain you, and also lots of guts to approach that patient in the first place.
So at the end of the day, everyone goes home exhausted and frustrated. Frustrated that we seem to be going absolutely nowhere with the clerking and history taking and the physical examination. But I guess, we can't rush such things and can't force us to make the transition from mugger to rugger in like 5 days? There's still lots of stuff to iron out really, and I guess we'll never actually ever give up trying and probably only achieve that total transition when we have gone on in like 10 years time to become some successful doctor in some hopefully good hospital or clinic.
Talking to patients is really tough. I realize that all the previous fantasies and images of me being a doctor with natural empathy and the ability to communicate with patients are absolutely rubbish. I sometimes don't know what to say to patients. Its so hard really to balance the feeling and the thinking, and to be honest, right now, I'm so busy thinking that I'm not capable of doing much feeling at all.
But then again, some patients just HAVE the ability to make you feel. Take the little old lady I met yesterday in the wards and the other old lady I met during NHS today. I can't talk about them here, but lets just say that I can't help but feel totally helpless and useless when I think about them. I think its going to the wards and the grassroots that makes you realize that there is very very little that Medicine alone can help achieve. Medicine without the Social and Political will to help results in half-hearted attempts to change people's lives really. So really, you can't change anything by being in Medicine, and if you are in this job to change lives, you shouldn't hope too much. But if you are in this to help in whatever way's possible, then yes, you're in for the right reasons.
I just came back from the wake of the man who brought me into this world.
Most of you would probably think that that's quite weird. I mean, how many of you out there are on speaking terms with the Doctor that delivered you those many years ago? Okay, I admit that I wasn't that close to him, but yes, I had met him and talked to him a couple of times and he offered me lots of valuable advice, not just on being a future doctor, but also on how to be a proper human being. So yeah, I knew him more that just being the Doctor who delivered me when I was a baby, I also knew him as a sort of mentor into this world.
The wake was filled with people - his family, his lifelong friends, his colleagues, heck I even saw Prof. Bay there! But the majority of people there where his patients and all of them, including my mom and two of my aunts, were genuinely upset at his sudden passing. You could see that he was more than just a doctor to them; he was also a friend, and most importantly, a good man that they could trust. I think that impressed me the most, that he could become a doctor of such repute and outstanding character that his patients felt a deep connection and friendship with him. Here was a doctor who showed society how to really be a doctor. And to be honest, he achieved so much more.
Apparently, he was still seeing patients the morning he passed on. In fact, he was on his way to a meeting when he was struck by a massive heart attack, and in just ten minutes, despite the best efforts that the A&E department of the hospital could provide, he had moved on. Such is the unpredictable nature of life.
I still remember meeting him two years ago, when I just got the results of my University postings and was waiting to enter medical school. I was waiting for my mom to be done with her checkup when she suddenly asked me to come into the room because the Doctor wanted to speak to me. Feeling sorta nonplussed as to why an OB-GYN would want to speak to me, I went in thinking that I had did something wrong or something. All he did was to congratulate me on getting into Medical school, and giving me advice about the long road ahead, that 'Medicine is a tough line to get into, and you really need to persevere. But if you ask me, all the hard work is worthed it, especially when you see the smiles you managed to bring to people when you managed to help them.' And in my mom's subsequent visits, he always never failed to asked about me and my progress in medical school, and also kept giving me advice and tips on how to handle the daily stress and challenges of the medical profession.
'To help others, you must first be healthy yourself! So do remember to exercise!' This was the last advice I ever got from him before his untimely passing. I guess he knew I was a lazy boy. But then again, I stayed in my mother's womb for a total of 10 months - that's one more month than the normal gestation period, because apparently, I was lazy, even as a fetus, so yeah, he would have known. Plus, according to me mother, I was a memorable child because my mom's umbilical cord was constricted around my neck... so yeah, he had to do a cesarean to get me out.
It's very sad isn't it, that we can predict when a baby is due to enter the world but not when a person is due to leave it.
Thank you Sir, for bringing me into this world. I won't ever forget the advice you gave me, and I'll do my part in doing some good in this world.
"Fire is the element of power. The people of the Fire Nation have desire and will, and the energy and drive to achieve what they want. Earth is the element of substance. The people of the Earth Kingdom are diverse and strong. They are persistent and enduring. Air is the element of freedom. The Air Nomads detached themselves from worldly concerns and found peace and freedom. Also, they apparently had pretty good senses of humor! Water is the element of change. The people of the Water Tribe are capable of adapting to many things. They have a deep sense of community and love that holds them together through anything.
It is important to draw wisdom from many different places. If we take it from only one place, it becomes rigid and stale. Understanding others, the other elements, and the other nations will help you become whole...It is the combination of the four elements in one person that makes the Avatar so powerful." - Iroh, from "The Legend of Aang, Avatar:The Last Airbender"
Nevermind that the speech above was from an animated series created by the West to glorify ancient Chinese culture. I still think the series rocks and the themes expressed by it are very very true.
The wonderful thing about Chinese culture is that, as much as detractors deride it to be overly archaic and traditionalistic, it really is an ocean of knowledge that continues to have its place and great relevance, even in today's modern society. I learn so much about the finer things in life, from it. It has so many aspects and facets: it comes in so many different forms that it never fails to surprise me. Be it art, music, or calligraphy; the different schools of martial arts; or religion and philosophy, Chinese culture never fails to teach you something. Take the study of the elements in something Western people call Feng Shui (and you say that with a Western slang!): I think its more of a form of philosophy in life. Its something that I find highly enlightening and highly intriguing, because it not only can be applied to so many things in real life, it can also be link to Western astrology as well.
Air is the element of freedom, it teaches you to evade and avoid all forms of danger and attacks, to outwit and outmaneuver the enemy and thus achieve victory via non-confrontation. Water is the element of change, it teaches you to redirect forces directed at you and turn them against the opponent, to turn your enemy's own offense against him, to achieve offense in defense. Earth is the element of substance, it teaches you to stand your ground and endure, to tolerate and absorb all attacks, to be still and wait til the right opportunity before striking with an attack of your own. Fire is the element of power, it teaches you to defend yourself using a pre-emptive first strike, to attack while the plate is hot, to strike before others do, because the best defense is in a strong offense.
If you think about it, you can apply this school of thought to everyday life and even personality. Just like astrology, which classifies different star signs into different elemental groups, Feng Shui also studies this as well. Each personality type (or elemental type) deals with problems or live life in different ways.
Air signs are more idealistic and contemplative, they live life in a rather pacifistic manner, avoiding conflict and maneuvering around life's constant changes, preferring not to care about earthly troubles, living life in their own carefree manner. Water signs are more emotional and adaptable, they live life while dealing with their everchanging emotions, but are highly understanding, caring individuals who flow and adapt through life, taking whatever comes and modifying it for their advantage. Earth signs are more materialistic and stoic, they live life rooted to things that give them purpose, standing their ground, letting their stubborn nature outmatch the changes around them, and forging their lives in slow steady steps. Fire signs are more aggressive and enthusiastic, they live life in a rather fast paced, fiery way, driven by a strong sense of desire, will and enthusiasm to achieve things that they strive to want, to create that exciting life they desire.
See! Its just perfect. And I think its so true. Learning and knowing such things really helps you understand how people think and act and do stuff! I think we have lots to learn from Chinese culture. There's still so much knowledge to share, like opposing elemental signs, more in depth analysis of each signs etc. And the good thing about 'Avatar' is that it makes all the four elements so different, but together, they are actually just the same parts of 1 whole, because you need to understand the nature of all 4 elements to achieve a kind of peace with the world.
Just in case you were wondering, I'm an air elemental kind of guy. Just like Aang, the protagonist of the animated series. Which means I should be a master of Airbending. But I think its quite true though, because I skirt through life without seemingly achieving anything at all. Just caught up in my lovely little air filled bubble.
Well, tonight's the last night that I will be spending in the place that I had so fondly called home for the past 20 years. I've lived here all my life and now, its time to say goodbye.
My family was having a farewell gathering for the house on Sunday, with my whole extended family and all. One of my uncles asked if I felt sad with regards to the moving. I was struck dumb by that question, and told him, 'Not really.', to which my uncle exclaimed 'But you grew up here! You should have some emotional attachment to the place!' I decided to go for the smile politely and slowly back away tactic to avoid anymore questions.
If anything, that conversation got me thinking about why I don't have any emotions with regards to leaving this place. I mean, my uncle was right. I practically grew up in this house. For the past 20 years, it had seen me grow from a baby that won't shut up to a young man who knows the importance of shutting up. All my developmental milestones: my first step, my first word, chickenpox, puberty, losing consciousness - all were experienced right here. By convention, I should be sad that I'm leaving. But I'm not.
I don't think I am a very sentimental person. Or rather, I don't show my sentiment easily. When crunch time comes, I suppress or rationalize all feelings of emotion and sentiment. Deep down inside, I am sure that I probably do feel some nuance of sadness, of regret that we have to leave, but then these feelings are just not surfacing. I think I've grown up to face any feelings of sadness in the same fashion as how I deal with all trials and tribulations, that is just stand up, face it, and move on. Clear cut, no emotional drag and sentimental messiness.
Does that make me a cruel, callous, unfeeling person? I don't know. Some part of me regrets that I've grown into someone who just doesn't see the point in being sentimental over such things. But then, it just doesn't make sense to be sad over something that's just a phase in life. You think of it, you cherish it, you remember it - yes that's my definition of sentimental, but don't keep wishing it would come back and moping over the fact that is gone. That's just a whole new level of pathetic behavior. Move on, but don't forget and everything still lives on in your OWN heart.
Whatever way our stories end, some things can never be changed.
So its goodbye Green Meadows. I'll miss the whole thing about the big sheep living in the green meadows. It was funny while it lasted. =)
'The perfect life? Hmmmm? There is no perfection in this world. It's a cliche expression, but its the truth; thus ordinary people yearn for 'perfection' and seek it out. But what meaning is there in perfection? None. I abhor perfection. If something is perfect, then there is nothing better than it, there is no room for creation within it, it means there is no opening for talent or wisdom to enter into it. Do you understand? For us scientists, perfection is despair. Something can be more wonderful than anything that has existed thus far, but it can never be perfect. A scientist is an organism that must continually suffer under this contradiction and even find pleasure in it. In other words, you had already lost to me, the instant you uttered that crazy word, "Perfection". This is of course, assuming that you were a scientist in the first place.' - Mayuri Kurotsuchi, Captain of the 12th Shinigami Division & Head of the Shinigami Research Institute
Mayuri Kurotsuchi is one of the most perverse and creepy characters in Bleach, given the fact that he is the embodiment of what it is to be a mad scientist. He is despicable, he is immoral, he is downright crazy. But behind the madness, there lies a superior intellect and an amazingly perceptive mind. This speech of his was given in the latest manga chapter of Bleach, chapter 306 entitled 'Not Perfect is GOoD', and after reading it, I felt compiled to agree with what he says. And it applies to anyone who calls himself/herself a follower of science. We really simply can assume that we know everything that the world has to offer.
I humble myself to the all encompassing power of Science.
There are many things that I believe about the adult world - that it is corrupted, devoid of humanity and hopeless, is one such thing. I believe that as we grow up, we enter a world that's filled with agendas and deviousness, a world where everything is tinted with lies, hidden secrets and complicated motives, of ever shifting loyalties, alliances and friendships. A world where true faith, loyalty and friendship is hard to come by (if it ever does).
As I enter the brink of adulthood, I realise that though disillusioned with the grown-up world, children and the aged still manage to inject some warmth into my stone cold heart. The innocence of children, and the serenity of the aged, never fails to touch me. I probably live for these people. Nothing more.
My day volunteering at KK Hospital was a wonderful experience because its the first time in days where I actually laughed. And it filled my heart with joy to see children and the aged laugh along with me. Be it directing lost old ladies to the right clinic, or directing Pokemon characters to the children's wards, I felt a mixed sense of sadness and delight when I see them smile, thanking me, waving goodbye. Nevermind that they were all unwell and some of them even battling cancer, to just have the courage to fight on and smile and laugh, is what makes everything worthed while. This is what I'm striving for. Not to serve some rich demanding asshole who pays for my service, but to serve the people that matter. The people that really matter. However, pediatrics is still not my thing. Geriatrics is probably the specialty that has the greatest hold on my imagination right now, so we'll see how it goes.
And on other matters completely unrelated to the KK trip: 1. I accumulated my first traffic fine today when I drove into an ERP gantry without my cash card slot in my IU. Ouch. 2. I mounted the curb while performing a highly radical stunt drive on Sunday. I have no idea why I did it and I'm feeling very perplexed that I actually did such a thing. 3. I decided that I better start studying... soon. And to do that, I am going to start going to school every day to use the library. Debauchery ends... right now. Or rather soon. 4. I am innately not a happy person, but I try not to show it. 5. I miss my mom and brother. 6. I rather drive than drink. 7. I really don't trust nice, sweet people. The less perfect you are, the more real you are to me. 8. In reference to the first ever episode of 'Friends' - I seized a spoon. 9. JK Rowling is appearing on PotterCast for the first time ever, tomorrow! 18 December! 10. I am more like my dad than what I will ever admit to.
Banana nut crunch is just about the only other thing that makes me happy right now. Grrr.
Update @ 2138: I just came back from my first night time drive in a long long time! It was so thrilling! Anyway, I'm feeling damn proud of myself right now, because its the first time I drove my parents about. After 20 years of driving me around the country, I've finally started to repay that debt of gratitude to them. Boy I feel grown up! =] __________________________________
Last night, I had dreams about my driving test. Very amusing dreams. I dreamt that I missed my test timing. I dreamt that I booked a test for an auto car instead. I dreamt that I didn't book a driving test date at all! Anyway, I had lots of dreams (or rather nightmares) about it and it wasn't very nice.
And this morning, when I was lying in bed and preparing to wake up, I felt like I was Cristina Yang on her wedding day. There's this scene of her lying in bed, looking at the wedding gown hanging on her closet door, completely dreading the unknown and unpredictable events that might come. I felt like that this morning, and I just lay there staring at the curtains on my window, listening to the light drizzle that was happening outside, knowing that it was, again, time to go out and face the testers. As much as I was dreading ever failing the test again, I knew that there was nothing to it, but to do it. Man, it was time.
And so I went and took the test. And woo-hoo! I passed! So now I have my license to drive. My hard earned license to drive. I'm so happy and pleased and proud of the fact that I finally got it. I started learning driving last year, when I was in the army, and finally, after almost two years, I've got the damn piece of paper that gives me the authority and right to drive on the roads. Life right now, at this very moment, is so damn good. I'm loving it.
Driving, to me, is important not as a skill or a means to get around; its more of a rite of passage to adulthood. Its the first major thing that I ever accomplished on my own, and it really makes me feel like an adult. It really is a milestone. I know its all transient and what not, and that its just a piece of paper, but that piece of paper sort of embodies everything about growing up - the responsibility it entails, the trust that society and people place in you, the way that your life (not to mention the life of others) is now in your own hands. It really is the first of many steps to being a man. And I'm glad I got through it.
To celebrate, I'm going to study cancer and neurology now before going out tonight. It's also a coincidence that today's the date of my parents' 26th wedding anniversary and so, in celebration of the double occasion, we are going out for dinner. And guess who's going to be behind the wheel tonight? =P
CALLIE:"Four years of high school, four years of college, four years of med school. By the time we graduate we're in our late 20s and we've never done anything except go to school and think about science. Time stops. We're socially retarded. Ha, I mean, look at me, I'm in love with a guy who won't say he loves me back and here I am, in his kitchen, just hoping he comes home and notices me. I'm that girl, who sits in the back of the class and eats her hair. And Meredith, she's 17 years old, we're all 17 years old. This is high school with scalpels, Finn."
Its amazing how the scriptwriters of Grey's Anatomy can take a offhand remark from an episode two seasons ago, and make it the central theme of a new episode of Grey's. See, this is exactly why they deserve a raise. So give in to the strike, rich television broadcast companies! Give them their much deserved pay increment and stop jeopardizing my source of future episodes of favourite shows.
I am in a very emo mood. Perhaps its due to the lunch with old classmates, or mugging with Suan or the long MSN conversation with Geraldine. Or perhaps its just me reacting to the fact that I spent 70 odd dollars on CDs yesterday. But I'm in a very passionate mood about this whole issue and this calls for a good old fashioned Bailey styled rant/speech/whatever.
Its so so true isn't it? As much as we try to convince ourselves that we have grown up and matured alot since high school, the fact is that we HAVE NOT grown up at all. We are still stuck in the same kind of situations, the same kind of problems, the kind of social traps and stigmas of high school, and best of all, we are nowhere better equipped/experienced/able to handle them. Nothing much has changed since we left that cut throat environment 4 years ago. Nothing at all.
In so many ways, Medical School (or University for that matter), is just like High school. Everyone wants to be happy and loved and popular and safe in their own little delightful circles of joy, peace and laughter. Nobody wants to be troubled, nobody wants to be dragged down into unhappiness, nobody wants to help those that have issues and are deemed as the 'scary and damaged'. We all too cooped up making sure that our own personal lives are all bright and happy and prom-king/queen perfect. All the majority wants to do is have fun.
Someone said that Medical School isn't clique-ish. Well, as much as we all hope it wouldn't be that way, it still is. We have the popular kids, the people who are out there attracting all the flak and arrows: when times are good, people accuse them of being suck ups, when things end up badly, we accuse them of screwing up. We have the geeks, commonly labeled as chronic muggers who spend their days memorizing textbooks, whose home is the library where they spend majority of their time there, just enjoying reading textbook after textbook and freaking the rest of the population out. We have the jocks, all big and muscled, who sit near the back of the lecture theatre, in their own little community of frat boy styled height of cool, their circle of 'macho-ness'. We have the ostracized kids, that people gossip about, bitch about, point fingers at, whisper about them behind their backs and basically try to avoid all forms of social dealings with them. We have the cheerleaders, the ultimate social animals, people who just want to have fun, have lots and lots of fun in their own circle of friends, oblivious to what the rest of the world thinks, just happy in their own little circle of fun. We have the emo kids, the angsty, anti-social people who think anti-establishment, dark and twisty, scary thoughts, people who self isolate, people who just don't want to interact with others, who sit on the fringes of the social environment and observe everything that is going on. And we have the seemingly normal ones - who are neither here nor there. People who aren't popular, people who aren't lonely, people who seem to have a balanced life, a life with occasional bouts of fun but also have their fair share of problems as well.
As much as we try to convince ourselves that we have moved on from the awkwardness of the situations that define what it was to be in High School, we are no different from where we started. We still have our petty disagreements, our messy love lifes, our own social conflicts and dilemmas, our own fair share of secrets and hiding and mask wearing, of back-stabbing and politics and manipulation. We are no closer to being mature individuals and grown ups that we all (hopefully) aspire to be. We hide behind a screen of pseudo-happiness and protection, we try to convince ourselves that by not caring, by washing your hands off the matter, by acting as if nothing has happened, that things will not affect you. We act cool and composed, that we don't care at all, that we aren't affected by this and that, when in actual fact, we are just avoiding our issues and our problems, many of which are self inflicted and self propagated. And it is this that infuriates me.
We run away when problems arise, and if we judge that the problems are gone, we come back all happy as if nothing bad has ever happened. And when we judge that the problems become too much to handle, that even if it ends, the cost of maintaining things is too high, we end it, as if personal relationships are some sort of business, economic transaction that could be measured by cost and profit.
I was one of the angsty, emo, anti-social kids in High School. I was never popular, I never held a post in any form of committee. I avoided leadership positions because I was beyond that kind of crap. I hated the social, happy, enthusiastic student leader creeps. I despised the cheerleaders and the social animals. And no one ever bordered to approach me because I scared them off with my killer glare and snide, sarcastic remarks. Which is ironic because despite not wanting to talk to people, I would most definitely have welcomed anyone who was willing to listen to my views on how things were, views that were formulated from long years of sitting on the fringes of society and just observing how people(and society) worked. But I had friends who were willing to listen to me. I had that small group of friends: one, or two, or perhaps three people that understood me, that were going through a similar experience, people I could really trust, that I would willingly die for. And if anything, I learnt that these type of friendships are the ones that mattered, that these are the types of friendships worth keeping. And perhaps that was the ultimate lesson that I had learnt from high school.
People ask me why I'm so willing to put up with all this darkness and unhappiness and crap thrown at me. I will simply say that I never give up on friends even when they turn all dark and twisty, because I am dark and twisty, I am an emo kid, and I'm proud of it. I know how it is to be lonely, I know how frustrating to feel like no one understands you, I know how irksome it is to see the rest of the world feeling all bright and happy when you just aren't in the mood for saccharine sweetness. So I never give up, even if things appear tough, even if things aren't easy, even if things are tiring and difficult. Simple as that. I-NEVER-GIVE-UP.
MEREDITH:"There comes a point in your life, when you’re officially an adult. Suddenly, you’re old enough to vote, drink and engage in other adult activities. Suddenly, people expect you to be responsible, serious, a grown-up. We get taller, we get older. But do we ever really grow up? In some ways we grow up; we have families... we get married, divorced... but for the most part we still have the same problems that we did when we were fifteen. No matter how much we grow taller, grow older, we are still forever stumbling... forever wondering, forever... young."
We will forever be young, we will never grow up. We will forever be stumbling in the big mess called life, forever foolish, forever young. Perhaps it'll be better if we just accept that not everyone can act happy all the time.
Damian, also spelled Damien, Daymian, Damiano, Дамјан, Damião, etc., is a given name from the Latin Damianus and, in turn, from the Greek Δαμιανος Damianos which was derived from the Greek word δαμαω damao meaning "to tame".
So I'm a tamer. I'm supposed to have the inbuilt power of being able to tame the hearts and minds of my fellow man. How inspiring. Do you guys think that that's true? Perhaps there's some given truth in it, given my history of being a 'Meredith' or 'Phoebe' to friends. And if its my ultimate destiny to be someone like that, well, I guess I'll be living a fruitful life then.
I'm about to leave home for driving and then lunch with some members of 04s71 and then a mugging session with Lileng and Suan. I realised that I'm running out of time for revision for the second round of CA1. The pressure is really mounting and great, coupled to the fact that I didn't study a wee bit last night because I was just so exhausted. I went to sleep immediately after watching 'Grey's Anatomy', which didn't manage to perk me up a single bit. Oh well. Lets hope the weekend's going to be productive. I aim to finish Pharmacology across the weekend!
I'm Yours - Jason Mraz Well you done done me and you bet I felt it I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted I fell right through the cracks and now I'm trying to get back Before the cool done run out I'll be giving it my bestest Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some
I won't hesitate no more, no more It cannot wait, I'm yours
Well open up your mind and see like me Open up your plans and damn you're free Look into your heart and you'll find love love love Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing A lá one big family (2nd time: A lá happy family; 3rd time: A lá peaceful melody) It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love
So I won't hesitate no more, no more It cannot wait I'm sure There's no need to complicate Our time is short This is our fate, I'm yours
I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer My breath fogged up the glass And so I drew a new face and laughed I guess what I'm saying is there ain't no better reason To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons It's what we aim to do Our name is our virtue
I won't hesitate no more, no more It cannot wait I'm sure There's no need to complicate Our time is short this is our fate, I'm yours
I won't hesitate no more, no more It cannot wait, I'm sure There's no need to complicate Our time is short This is our fate, I'm yours
No please, don't complicate Our time is short This is our fate, I'm yours
No please, don't hesitate no more, no more It cannot wait The sky is your's! ____________________________________________________
This is one of my favourite songs. And Jason Mraz has got to be one of the most talented artiste out there ever. Its no wonder Eugene Chan is so crazy over him. I've been listening to the various life performances of this song on youtube, and it made me regret not being able to catch him when he was performing 'life' in Singapore at last year's Mosaic festival.
Note to self: Never listen to songs by Jason Mraz when you are attempting to study heavy stuff like neuroscience.
On another note, I think this is the song I would sing to my girlfriend when I propose. I had it all figured out already - I'll learn to play this song on the guitar, memorize the lyrics, practice singing til my voice doesn't break at the high notes, invite her out for a picnic or star gazing session at night, serenade her, and then propose. But of course, the only problem I have is that I don't have anyone to propose to, so yeah, so much for all my perfect plans. =)
MEREDITH: "At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need." - Grey's Anatomy, Season 3, Episode 10, "Don't Stand So Close To Me"
Okay, just based on the whole chunk up there, you can probably infer that I've been watching 'Grey's' on Channel 5 again. What can I say? I'm just so addicted to 'Grey's'.
Anyway, that was Mer's voice-over closing speech-ending-thingy at the end of the 10th episode of Season 3. The episode's theme was on family, both your real biological family, and the family that you choose to adopt along the way. I love the whole chunk up there. I know some of you would just say that its all just scripted melodrama, but you can't deny the truth behind those well scripted words. Because that's really what people do. You find people, you pick them, and you choose who you want to be close to, and you stick by them, irregardless of whether you are holding on to them too tightly or whether you are influencing them in a negative way. Because they've become your family, your family away from your family, and you NEVER give up on family; no matter how irritating, how troublesome, how different they may be, you DO NOT quit your family. Simple as that.
I don't have anything else to say really. I just found the whole chunk up there very illuminating, and was overwhelmed by this sudden urge to post it up here. 'Grey's' really teaches you stuff - not just medical stuff, but human stuff as well. I keep finding parallels between events in the show and the life I'm living right now - so its hard not to lose myself completely to the non-reality of the series.
Public Health Screening '07 was an interesting and fun experience. Nevermind that I spent the bulk of my time there taking patients' history, and only had the chance to take the blood pressure of one patient - and nevermind the fact that I was too tired to stay for the second slot, and thus only stayed for the first one. I feel as if I've learnt something out of it. I think the greatest take home message I brought back with me yesterday is that communication with the general public is key - and also not an easy task. Its very easy to assume that people can understand what you are saying, when more often than not, they don't. Words like Hypertension and Hyperlipidemia, which are second nature to us, are like Greek to the general public. I think we all have a long way to go to learning how to deal with this problem of communication, and watching the M3s, M4s and M5s overcome the communication barrier is something very inspiring - its amazing what a couple of years in clinical practice would bring.
I've also discovered that I love seeing older patients, especially old ladies. They are so cute and entertaining! They are genuine and they tell the funniest stories ever! I find old ladies very amusing, and I really enjoy interacting with them. I don't know if this fixation with old grandmas will necessarily lead to a future in geriatrics, but I think I really do have a 'Grandma Complex' in me. I must say that one of the reasons that I joined medicine arose from the fact that my Grandmothers are/were sufferers of chronic disease. My maternal grandma is a diabetic, while my paternal grandma died of heart failure, renal failure, and lots and lots of various complications. In some sense, I love helping old grannies because they sort of remind me of my grandmothers. Not very healthy but hey, I think nothing bad will come out of it.
Most importantly, I think that PHS (plus this week's episode of Grey's Anatomy!) sorta restored my drive and faith in being a doctor. It showed that there are people out there that still need and must be helped - and that society isn't as decadent as I made it out to be. While the majority of society is still squandering their health away, there still exists a minority of people that really need out help, and I guess, its this minority of people that I'm living and working so hard for.
I suddenly got reminded of this song by John Mayer, which he released way back, before he became a troll and started hooking up with Jessica Simpson. Sounds a bit too happy to reflect my morose mood right now, but hey, I guess it'll do.
"Yes I'm grounded Got my wings clipped I'm surrounded by all this pavement Guess I'll circle While I'm waiting for my fuse to dry" - "Bigger Than My Body", John Mayer _________________________________________
I was on my way home from Tan Tock Seng Hospital today when I had one of those moments where I just completely, and rather mysteriously descended into a depression. I was walking through the underpass towards Ang Mo Kio hub/bus interchange, squeezing through the massive crowds of commuters who were trying to head home as well, when all of a sudden, a feeling of utter helplessness just came onto me - it was as if someone just emptied a whole pail of ice cold water all over me, like I can never ever be happy again.
And at that moment in time, I started asking myself why I'm in Medicine. It feels as if all the previous ideals and reasons I had for entering Medicine doesn't even exist in this real world. I don't know why, but its so so disheartening, so so disappointing even, to realize that I've sort of lost my reason for studying Medicine. That everything I've wanted and hoped to achieve seem to be, with each passing day, more like an idyllic fantasy that can never achieve. Doctors aren't as selfless and great as I thought them to be, Medicine is much more darker and political than I thought it to be, and Hospitals aren't the places of healing I picture them to be.
I feel like people in Singapore don't deserve to be healed, don't deserved to be helped, because somehow or another, we have squandered all our heart, hopes and basic humility and humanity for something more material, for something like wealth, and money; for booze and partying; for debauchery and hypocritical politeness. It irritates me, even pisses me off, when I see youngsters acting like gangsters, smoking and spewing vulgarities; children being spoilt brats who won't shut up when their parents ask them to do so; peers being irresponsible people who just party and squander their lives away, without any attempt at restraint at all; adults being uncaring, self-centered individuals who simply don't give a damn about the fate of the rest of society. And it makes me sad to think that the whole reason why I wanted to be a doctor in the first place was to do some good for society - but the society I'm working to serve and help has ended up in such a sorry, sordid state, I feel like they don't deserve any help I want to and hope to give. All my hopes and ideals were for absolutely nothing.
Maybe its because of the fact that I'm still recovering from illness, or that I'm exhausted from a long week. Or maybe its just because I'm feeling blue. But I feel like I need some reassurance that there's still some good in this world to fight for, which is being overly idealistic, but hey, that's just me. (And if you could stop all the unhappiness, that'll be great too.)
I met up with my classmates/fellow economics 'S' students, Ailin, Eesuan and Huilin last night. Weishu was supposed to join us and make it a full Econs 'S' outing (so geeky!) but unfortunately, something cropped up back home and he couldn't make it. So it was just me and the 3 girls. I brought them to the MINT cafe (and so, indirectly contributed to Huipei's pocket money) mainly to escape the crowds that was flooding the city on a Saturday night, and also to use all the coupons that I accumulated from DnD. (Huilin, if you are reading this, I WANT PHOTOS!)
It was great to meet up with them. Actually, I had already met up with them on separate occasions prior to that, but not as a group. So what was great this time round was the group dynamics of our Thursday lessons after school, staying back and lazing at the class bench all over again. I kinda miss studying Economics with them. I miss the days where I was dealing something that was ambiguous, where you could just argue or debate your way through, without needing that much fact to substantiate your views. Medicine's all about facts, which is so memory intensive that it causes memory burn. I miss my LDMR, market theory, fiscal and monetary policies etc.
It was interesting to hear the girls talk about their community service stints in China. All three of them went to China to do community service, quite a coincidence really. The fact that they all took the plunge and just gamely went on OCIP trips really impressed me, because I'm always deliberating over going to OCIPs (see my previous entry dated 27/08/07). But I've always felt the girls from 71 were all very unique and impressive individuals, and I've learnt so much from befriending them. Inspiring people.
2 years on and it appears we have all become slightly jaded. The girls saw my matriculation photo taken during prom, and they were commenting that I looked so 'youthful' in it, and that I look 'old' now. 'Old' is such a wrong word though! I guess its just time exhibiting its effects on all of us. I do feel slightly jaded with life actually. You learn things about life - about dealing with people, dealing with work, dealing with society. At least I know now that not everything is as simple as ABC, and not everything is as idealistic as how I want it to be. Also, I seem to be talking less these days, which is a good thing because I sometimes talk too much. I find that I have nothing much to share or talk about. The problems and experiences I have these days are so trivial compared to the problems that they have been facing, it makes me feel ashamed of myself.
Ailin said I've changed. Its interesting to note that change seems to be a constant in my life, because its not the first time someone told me that I've change. But hey, at least they all say that I've always been constantly changing for the better. Besides being thinner, more adult looking, apparently I've become more sociable and more sure of the way the world is and more sure of my place in it. Whether I've really changed or not, I don't really know. Maybe its a subtle thing, but I would like to think that if I've changed, its not for the sake of change alone, but rather change for a reason, from within.
Right, so in school today, Christopher was introducing Project Lokun to us all, and trying to get people to join the project. For the uninitiated, Project Lokun is an overseas CIP project to Cambodia spearheaded by Med Soc, where they go down every year and try to make a difference to the lives of the people there - like setting up mobile clinics, teaching them proper health care and safety habits, bringing them medicine, equipment etc. But anyway, I was struck by a sudden desire to go. I dunno why, but I feel like my life's been so sheltered that I really ought to go, that I really should and want to do something different, to do something for others instead. I know I don't want to spend another holiday like the previous one, where it was all just morbid enjoyment of pleasure and lazing around. I think I really should go make a difference and help change somebody's life, and play my part in changing the world, instead of just thinking about doing it and NEVER getting down to doing it.
But the problem is, once I've almost made up my mind about volunteering, some voice in the back of my head would just keep whispering doubts, doubts that grow stronger and stronger with each passing second. I keep wondering if I can really do anything, if I can really commit, if I'm not just being willful or fickle or flaky again. I keep telling myself that I shouldn't be impulsive, that I've got to think this through, that I've got to take a step back and just pause to see the big picture... that going may not be such a good idea after all. So in the end, I didn't go down. Its not too late to register for it, because registration closes on Friday, but I don't know if I would ever find the courage and impulse to go do it again. I think the biggest hurdle for me is meeting new people. Whether I want to admit it or not, meeting new people has always been the a challenge for me, as an individual. I fear the awkwardness of meeting strangers and trying to get to know them, to talk to them etc. But I have to get over it, because its going to hinder my future growth and development as a human being. And I guess that's the main reason why I'm hesitating to volunteer in the first place. Cause I'm afraid of meeting a whole bunch of strangers involved in the project. If someone I knew was interested to join with me, I wouldn't be hesitating to go for it and my name would probably be on the list right now.
Whatever the outcome is, I really hope to do some overseas CIP in my lifetime. I don't want to just be a dreamer, I want to actually attempt to see the dream through. Because maybe, just maybe, the key to realizing Mr Lennon's Utopian vision, is for everyone of us who dream out there, to summon a little bit of courage and just step out and attempt to try it. And then we wouldn't have to imagine - it'll simply be reality.
I was pondering over what was said yesterday before, during and after the Sodagreen concert and the more I pondered, the more convinced I am of my conclusion that we aren't exactly as close as people thought us to be. We are friends, yes, but I think I have to admit that we don't really know each other very well, and even though we (or rather I) try to convince myself otherwise, the truth has actually been lying in front of me for like what, 3 years?
I'm fine with that actually. I think I've long gotten over the fact that old friends just drift apart. But what I really can't stand is the way other people just assume we are awfully close, and just keep assuming that I know everything about you, and when I tell them that I seriously don't know what you are thinking, they express surprise, sometimes even shock. Honestly, what's there to be surprised about? You are such a hard person to get to know, I don't even know why I bothered to even try so hard in the first place.
This is NOT a rant. I'm not angry or anything, just a bit tired and annoyed at the way common friends that we have just keep assuming that after knowing each other for such a long time, I know him very well. Well, I don't. Even more annoying is when people start comparing me against him. It is FREAKING irritating. I am not one who likes to be compared with other people, much less with my friends who I've seen, both in the positive and negative light. I hate it when other people just keep going on and on about how nice, how caring, how patient you are while I'm like a total opposite - impatient, uncaring, nasty; someone who doesn't care about my friends, which just pisses me off, because if you truly know me, friends are very high up on my list of important things. Okay, maybe I'm not so high on the material side of friendship, like remembering birthdays and buying fancy gifts, but to me that's not the essential part of friendship. To me, what's more important in friendship is the whole being-there-for-friends-when-they-have-troubles-thing, listening to them, talking to them, understanding them; and people who have had any idea of the amount of effort I have placed into helping others in the past, would understand why I'm so pissed that people can actually claim that I don't care about my friends.
All I can say is that, before you actually do any comparison, please please please get your facts right before starting on anything. No one is perfect, and before you even attempt to compare me against him, please consider if you know him at all, if you truly know him at all. Before you attempt to even say who's good or bad, who's right or wrong, just consider the fact the only reason why he's so perfect in all your eyes, is because you haven't seen the other darker, not-so-perfect side of him, which incidentally, is something that I've seen and have gotten quite exasperated over, loads and loads of times before. People just have aspects that they show and they don't show to others. Its not justifiable to just scratch the surface and just come to conclusions based on that.
So to all of you who actually have an inkling of the fact that you are involved in this, please, stop comparing air with earth, because we are totally different individuals. In the end of the day, if you still want to judge me as a bad friend compared to him (or others for that matter) then fine. I won't protest. Just know that no matter what, I'm still proud of the way I've ended up as an individual. At least I dare to speak and face the not-so-convenient-truths and to confront them - and no one is able to take that away from me.
Name: voldemort33
XY, 01/06/1987, s'porean typical geminian free-thinker moody & eccentric thinks far too much for his own good med student (be afraid. be very afraid!) demon45_6f@hotmail.com
crazy craves
music (jazz, rock and lounge) day-dreaming drawing & photography animals (sheep!) chocolate and tea! seafood, noodles and soup!
pet peeves
noisy crowds over-possessive, insecure, whiny people two-faced hypocrites housework and homework being called 'rich' rushing to do stuff crying, pesky kids
deepest darkest desires! (aka wishlist!)
to be a doctor (with a heart of gold!) a dog my own condo apartment a driving license and my own four wheel drive my own comic line someone to hug
