| Monday, 19 March 2007 |
| life outside and in |
Kaiming left a rather amusing tag in response to my tag on his blog in which he said I was so cheerful compared to the rest on Friday.
I guess the only reason why I appeared more cheerful than the rest of them, was because I wasn't living a life in green. And for that moment in time, I had nothing to worry about; no upcoming tests, no school for a long time to come, plus the fact I was riding high on my post-CA euphoria probably served to elevate the cheerful perkiness as well.
Whereas they were facing an upcoming exercise in Taiwan, and other sorts of more pressing problems. So was it a given for me to appear more cheerful than them? I suppose that's a yes.
Despite the fact that I've already been out of the Army for at least 9 months now, I still get the 'what ifs' about not leaving the Green Mean Machine.
Listening to them talk about all the changes, all the unhappiness, all the difficulties and problems, sorta make you wonder if anything would be different if I had stayed.
How would I have reacted? How would I have faced the problems and difficulties and stuff? Would I have done what I think I would have done, which is stand by the side that I've always been closer too, or instead choose another side? Or would I have handled things radically different?
Its kind of sobering that the group of us who went in there together, couldn't come out of it together.
First there were 12 of us. Then I left for greener pastures. Then Jonah left for another unit due to his SAFSA commitments. And now there are only the 10 of them left. (granted 1 of them never really fitted in, but still, we started out as 12, and in an ideal world, all 12 of us would have stuck together til the bitter end)
And now, things have progressed to such a level that you know will never ever heal, or revert to how things have been in the past.
Kinda sad really. Such rifts from within are always the hardest to handle and heal, and now that I'm really out of it, I know that I have no business interfering or attempting to help. But still, I can't help but wish that everything will work out for you guys, and that if listening and providing an outsider's viewpoint on things is the only way I can help you all out, then I'll be glad to do the best I can.
Again, it makes me wonder if all this problems arose because of our departure. I really hope not, because if it did, in some way influence how things ended up in this state today, then it serves nothing to reduce the level of guilt I already have for deserting the pack of them just to go pursue my dreams.
But a part of me also knows that this is all not my doing. That it was bound to happen sooner or later. And I guess both Jonah's and my departure from the unit just served as the catalyst for it to happen. There were now less people, and with less people, there arose more friction, and with more friction, conflict was bound to happen.
Its kinda hard to find out about all that has happened, hear about certain people and their actions, because I left the unit at a time when everything was still okay. Not perfect, but still okay, where peace and harmony still ruled, where we were all still sticking together due to the fact that we were new there, and sticking together was the only way we could have survived.
So my impression of others, wasn't all that bad. But now, everything has changed. Like the guys like to tell me 'there have been loads of changes since you left'. People start becoming less polite, masks have been removed, claws and fangs have been barred. It ruins the whole image of the BN that I left. And it makes me sad that things couldn't have stayed the way it was just 9 months ago.
It feels like I'm really out of the loop now.
But once a signaler always a signaler. And I'm glad I got to chance to meet a bunch of army buddies that I've grown close to. A lot of peers I know, don't have close army friends, whereas I managed to find a small group of close army friends.
And I guess that's the difference between being a commander, and being in a unit. Its just a different level of interaction. In the unit, you really make friends, being a commander, its hard to make friends, and you tend to be alone... as so many of my command school friends would say.
Its been a privilege really, knowing my 2sigBN buddies, befriending them, working with them. And though its been a long time since I left the unit, they have always continually treated me as one of their own. And I really thank them for that.
Hope you guys have a successful exercise in Taiwan! Have fun and take care! And then we'll meet up again in a month's time! =)Labels: emo, flashback, friends |
posted by voldemort33 @ 10:57  |
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