Its times like these that I wish he were still alive to tell me not to give in. Not to give in, not to give in, not to give in.
Looking at the photos that Geraldine and Gladys posted up on their blogs have made me immensely jealous of the fact that they had a great time in Australia while I was languishing somewhere in SGH. I miss being abroad with friends. Its just not the same with family... because there's so much less spontaneous interaction with family than friends. I dunno. I feel very very much demoralized and irritated with alot of things that I can't tell people about. Its very sickening.
I was reading at Geraldine's blog when I suddenly had this sudden desire to meet up with GAG again and just have a day or even night out where I can just say anything under the sun and even slam medicine. I miss the nonsensical conversations with them... stuff that don't make sense, stuff that may make sense, and stuff that make me feel more grounded. I feel guilty that I don't meet up with them that often, that my schedule's really impossible and I hardly even go online now to chat with them...But yet, I really miss talking to them. Because conversations with them gives me a chance to be who I really am - and allow me to blabber nonstop.
I just found out that lectures start at 11:00 am tomorrow. Hence I decided to not catch up with much needed sleep and risk a little facet of my sanity by staying up to blog.
I just got back from Kheng Wee's 21st birthday party... the thing about 21st birthday parties, is that its always more fun to be a guest than to be the host of the party itself. You don't really get to enjoy your own party, because it always ends up to be a logistics nightmare. Plus, you have so many guests to entertain that you often find yourself hard pressed for time to even get to talk to all of them. But when you are a guest, you have all the right in the world to engage in crazy merry making. You don't have to care if its awkward or not, just go ahead and party your life away!
I enjoyed myself at Kheng Wee's party today, because I got to see so many members of 71 today, especially the people from overseas! Ailin and Huilin were both there! Haven't seen the two of them in ages, and I must say it always feels great to be able to talk to the two of them. Both of them are very sensible, and always have a calming and positive effect on my rather erratic thought processes and moods. I must say very few of my friends have that kind of an effect on me... hmmm. But yes, the Econs S people owe me a birthday celebration! Econs S should just meet up for a celebratory dinner for all the birthdays that we had missed! Hope I have time to squeeze out of my busy schedule...
I was complaining to Ailin about how I sometimes feel so demoralized at the end of every single day because of the sheer exhaustion of clinical work. Its strange because I really really enjoy clinical work. When I'm in the hospital, I don't feel tired, or demoralized at all, mainly due to the fact that I hate to waste my time in the hospital complaining about the workload or how tired I am. I really do feel my best in the hospital, but its the lecture sessions and the nights at home that are truly the worst aspect of the whole business of clinicals. I was telling her how I sometimes feel that I've entered an industry that seems to lack in appreciation. I must say that she said some stuff that really made me feel much better about my current situation and that she reminded me that its all a game of perseverance! And she's right: I think we do need friends who aren't from medicine to remind us about such stuff. At the end of the day, its all about reminding ourselves that our lives aren't just about medicine and that there's something more than just books, patients and procedures.
I am supposed to do something that Geraldine tagged me to do, but I'm feeling lazy right now... We'll see if I have the time for it in the upcoming week. My entries are becoming more and more sporadic and mundane... but I guess I'm just not getting the level of inspiration that I used to have.
In a blink of an eye, a 7 week course has come and gone. Yup. The Clinical Skills Foundation Course is finally over. I guess we are supposed to come out of it feeling like we are indeed on the right path of becoming a good doctor, but unfortunately, today's OSCE assessment made me realise that I'm far from being a competent doctor, let alone a good one. Yup. I'm now feeling like I just came out of a tiring 7 weeks without learning anything at all.
Nonetheless, its the official end of M2, and the start of M3 beckons in just 3 weeks time. M2 has been a blur. All I remember about it was loads of tests and mugging, loads of inter-personal traumas, loads of tiring days and nights trying to settle things that shouldn't and didn't actually need settling. Life could have been better, but now that I've lived through one of the worse years in Medical school, I feel like life, has been splendidly okay. But then again, if you ask me if I feel more prepared to be a doctor after two years in medicine, I'll tell you that 'no, I do not feel more prepared to be a doctor.' I'm still in a total haze about what is right and wrong, what is expected and not expected of us, what is happening and what is not. Its still a long long way before any of us become someone confident enough to stand out there and BE a doctor. Its still a long way indeed.
Today was spent rotting outside. We watched a beautiful movie called 'Accuracy of Death', starring Takeshi Kaneshiro, in which he was a Shinigami tasked with the job of judging if a person gets to die now or not. It is a brilliant movie about the importance of life and death and makes you think about what the important things in life are. What is your purpose, and have you achieved it? I think its something we should all ponder before death comes to claim us.
And Takeshi Kaneshiro is really bloody delectable. I have no idea why the OG girls prefer Takuya Kimura over him. I think Takeshi is the Asian version of Johnny Depp, and he acts with a kind of nonchalance and flamboyance. He was surprisingly good in this film as the rather innocent and naive Shinigami, who has a strong liking for music and a complete misunderstanding about humans. He was funny when it mattered, and delightful morose when the occasion calls for some serious emo-ing. All in all, he acted really well and it was a marvelous performance.
It was a good movie, the first movie I've watched in ages. My kind of movie because it was thought provoking and rather deep. All in all, definitely a movie I'll recommend, but I suggest you don't watch it if you can't stand slow movies.
After that, it was long time spent slacking around, eating and just chatting. Its been ages since I had a good chat with anyone, let alone so many different people from the OG. I think we had a great time together, exploring so many interesting topics. The greatest surprise of the day was Darryl, who turned out to be a love guru of sorts. Highly, highly shocking. I think we got so high from the chatting that we sort of lost track of the time because we only left Junction 8 at 2330. But still, it was a good day well spent.
Tomorrow's the big day. I'm feeling slightly sianified over all the stuff I have to do and slightly pissed with myself for taking on this undertaking, seeing as to how I hate administrative stuff, but oh well. I have to just suck it up and just live through it and try to be happy about it. Afterall, tomorrow's supposed to be my day.
And yes, the conclusion I got from today is that I may have gotten so used to being single that I don't really want to look for a relationship anymore, and I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Yeah.
Quote of the day: 'What do you think about death?'
I was thinking of something smart to blog about today when I realized that this week's gonna be the last week that I'll ever spend as a juvenile delinquent. Wow. Its kinda eerily quirky that my last week as a 20 year old coincides with my last week of the Clinical Skills Foundation Course. So with the start of M3, I'm going to approach my life as an adult: no more shirking of responsibilities and duties, and do do everything with the maturity of an adult. I will not be so immature and childish anymore.
My last week as a 20 year old. Let's hope it'll be a good one.
Today was spent at Xiaoyan's little get together. The irony of it all is that Xiaoyan's actual birthday falls on the 3rd of June, which is in fact just 2 days after MY VERY OWN actual birthday, so while I am older than her by two days, she gets to have her party BEFORE my own party, which is all so weird and quirky in a chaotic kind of way. Anyway, it was nice seeing some members of 71 that I have not seen in ages, people like Yihan, Sharleen Han, Charleen Soh, people from 71 whom I was considerably less close to (which is saying ALOT because I'm hardly not close with ANYONE in 71.) And it was fun seeing Xiaoyan again! Its always great to see your fellow Gemini and prankster, because when she's around, I can relax and cut back on the sarcastic jibes and nonsense. We can both share the workload when we are both around. Haha.
Let me pause to say that while I'm very proud of the fact that my brain seems to have no jurisdiction over the the confines of normality, the quirky things I do sometimes really annoys me. There are times when I wish my brain wasn't so unorthodox and that I could do things that normal people would do, like arrive at a party on time and not one hour before hand and find yourself horribly horrible alone, so much so that you decide to walk around to do away with the extra time and just stop yourself from feeling like a complete bodoh. But yeah, sometimes I do things that even I don't really understand. Its a curse that will never go away, as true insanity is really just true genius that is not understood.
I sincerely swear that I am up to nooooooo good.
Oh and seeing how we were able to create so much havoc today really makes me quite worried about the amount of chaos that 71 would bring to my own birthday party. Not that I mind the chaos, because a little bit of chaos here and there is really kinda, fun, and 71-chaos, is HELL LOTS of fun. But seriously, if the people present today could already create such a substantial amount of chaos (though, I have to admit that I do have a part to play in the chaos created), I shudder to think of the amount of madness they will create when a larger number of them appears during my party. Let's hope I managed to retain my sanity after the 31st, and ACTUALLY live to see my actual birthday.
I sincerely swear that they are all up to nooooooo good.
Anthony's 21st dinner party was held at Au Petit Salut, a posh French restaurant in the Dempsey Hill area. As one of his JC classmates who was invited, I must say that I feel extremely honored and flattered: today was probably the first time I've ever attended such a posh and classy dinner party.
Here's some tips I picked up during the dinner on how to host a perfect dinner party: 1. Book a private function room. 2. Hire a private French chef and his assistant. 3. Have your own waiting staff. 4. Serve champagne. Lots and lots of it. 5. Serve finger food. Lots and lots of it. 6. Serve a 6 course meal of exquisite French cuisine. 7. Make sure one of your closest friends get drunk. (but make sure he doesn't puke at the dinner table!) 8. Invite some of your closest friends to engage in some fine dining! 9. Keep the atmosphere light and casual. 10. Be a gracious host.
All in all, Anthony's dinner party was a blast. The food was absolutely delicious, the atmosphere superb, the company priceless. It was fun dinning with some of the 71ians, as we struggled to hide our lack of etiquette and attempt to look civilized and cultured. But then again, 71 being 71, we ended up doing and saying utterly stupid and childish things. I dunno why we never seem to be able to grow up. We are all gradually turning 21 this year but it seems that we'll never be able to lose that child-like spirit of ours completely. Maybe its a good thing though because it makes our memories of the class so much more memorable.
Last day of school ever before the year of the Rat arrives. I think I was sort of determined to really live it up today, but lots of exciting things happened - like me collecting my stethoscope and sphygmomanometer and tendon tappers. And it was Szejia's 21st Birthday celebration today. It was hilarious because we wanted to surprise her during her PBL lesson with a cake, but somehow, the liaising was screwed up and when the whole OG burst in the room, the PBL group looked at us as if we were crazy or something. Totally weird.
After that, a bunch of us went to Shihui's house to play a round of Mahjong, while waiting for the rest of the people to finish their respective PBLs. It was a most excruciating game for me because I was locked in an eternal struggle with Edwin, as we both tried to out-niao each other and outplay each other as well. In the end, I lost horribly. I was the biggest loser of the game, which was quite sad because I was the first winner. I swear I will get my revenge when we go visit Minjia's house on Sunday! Oh yes I am!
We waited for the rest of the folks to finish their lessons, and also played with Shihui's dogs Sparky and Wa-wa as well. I am so jealous of my friends who have pets. Its quite sad that my mom hates dogs and absolutely forbids me to keep one. I would love to have a dog, preferably a Labrador or Golden Retriever. I'll probably give him a real smart alecky name or something and make him chase people. Haha.
Then a bunch of us went of to meet Szejia and Yinxia to have dinner and watch a movie. I had a really good bowl of japanese noodles with scallops! And although some of us wanted to watch "Sweeney Todd", Szejia didn't want to so in respect of the Birthday Girl's wishes, we decided to watch a movie of her liking instead.
I never thought I would watch it, but yes, I ended up watching '27 Dresses' in honor of Szejia's birthday celebrations today. I must say it was actually quite enjoyable, undeniably cliche, but still enjoyable. Yinxia says its because me and Sara were making alot of funny comments and sound effects. Like me saying "Ooooooohhhhhh" when bad things happen (to the total silence of the theatre) and Sara laughing for absolutely no reason. Yinxia thinks its amazing, I personally think that the rest of the movie-goers must think we are pests! But ANYWAY, it was quite an entertaining movie. It had some really witty lines, and the acting was quite good. Thought the storyline was most predictable: Sara had the whole formula out halfway through the show, which was absolutely hilarious.
The start of the CNY break! I have a total of 8 days without school! HOW COOL IS THAT! Of course, I have to start studying then of course... but still. Pretty pretty happy baby!
Today's one of the crappiest days ever. A total roller coaster of emotions. I was happy in the morning, shocked at noon, in a high in the afternoon, and was promptly sent crushing downwards later, recovered in the evening and night, only to be promptly made angry by startling revelations later that night.
I shall not comment on what has happened, because it is not constructive to comment on things that have already happened. I don't really know what to say actually. I'm like seriously loss for words at the speed at which things happened. All I can say is that I am not going to blame anybody, because I am bigger hearted than that.
ANYWAY, on to happier stuff. Alice turned 21! I haven't seen the XC people for ages, partly due to personal isolation or whatever. But anyway, I turned up horribly late for the dinner get together. Chit chatted and caught up with most who were there. Also listened to people deplore how horribly thin I've become, which I totally do not agree with. Think I made a fool of myself again, and also found out from Eileen (who's studying TCM in NTU) that I have a heaty pulse and extremely weak chi or something. Which is quite true because I'm most likely dying. Enjoyed a nice train ride home with my dearest junior Xinhui, where we emo-ed about University life and how difficult it has turned out to be. Got home quite late, but still it was interesting to meet up and see how everyone has changed.
Today was a day where everything on the road went wrong! The number of times I felt like killing myself by driving directly into traffic, gosh, it was horrible. I am still very frustrated at my stupidity and impulsiveness.
Anyway, what happened was that I was on my way to Holland Village from school to meet up with Alex and Geraldine when I went past this traffic junction at Buona Vista, it was already Amber when I approached it so I decided to accelerate and beat the light, but unfortunately the light turned red when half my car crossed the junction. It was then that I chose to look up and saw, to my horror, a sign that said 'RED LIGHT CAMERA'. At that very moment, it felt as if someone had just told me that I was infected with melioidosis causing Burkholderia Pseudomallei. Its not the worst thing that can happen to you, but its certainly an awful feeling. So I was so furious with myself that I just had to go back to the scene of the crime to see if I had really beat the red light camera, because I did not notice a single camera or any flash then. So I did a U turn, drove all the way back to NUS, U-turned onto AYE and did the same route over again. What I noticed was that the junction that had the sign was actually BEFORE the cameras (which were located at the next junction!) - which meant that the sign serves as a warning for people wanting to beat the red light for the next junction. This meant that I did not do anything wrong and that I did not get caught by the camera and did not just incur a $300 fine and 6 demerit points. (I think and hope that I am RIGHT.)
Feeling slightly better that I may have been saved by a miracle (and solemnly swearing that I will never try to beat a red light again!) I went ahead to Holland Village. Unfortunately, parking there was horrendous - it was impossible to find any parking there at around 7. So I drove out of the public carpark and decided to go park at the carpark of Holland Village shopping centre. Unfortunately, the carpark was full and there was a queue for it, so I joined the queue, only that my car was in the yellow box of a traffic junction. After a long wait, I realised that I was never going to get a lot there any time soon, plus I was already running late for the stipulated meeting time, so I decided to go and park at the multi-story carpark opposite Holland Village. I decided to wait for the light to turn red because I needed to filter out of the yellow box, and considering the amount of traffic then, it was probably only safe to do it when the light was red. So I did that, filtered out when the light was red, and because I most certainly could not stay in the yellow box of a junction, I went straight, effectively beating a red light. It was at this moment, that I noticed for a second gut wrenching, heart breaking time, that there were CAMERAS at the junction as well.
However, I did not notice any flash or any indication that the cameras were functional. Nonetheless, for the second time in a short duration of twenty minutes, I felt like I wanted to kill myself all over again. The idea that I might have to pay a total of $600 dollars in fines and have my license REVOKEDs after just a month of earning it, felt like someone telling me that I've most likely been infected with HIV (after some needle stick injury!). Right now, I feel like I'm just waiting for the results of the Western Blot HIV confirmation test, and its a horrible torture to be stuck in this state of limbo. Boo-hoo.
It was a miracle that I was able to find the heart to meet the two of them after that. But I'm glad I did. We went to have dinner at NYDC and then desserts at the 2AM dessert bar located at some ulu corner of Holland Village - its a place that many of our other classmates have been to before, and since Geraldine surprised us all with a request to go out to have some desserts and wine, we decided to visit that place and try out the cuisine there. Of course, only Geraldine ordered dessert wine (I am a DRIVER and Alex claims he is allergic to alcohol!) but the three of us ordered desserts as well. Alex's Tiramisu was fantastic, Ger's Mudslide was weird, and my Blackberry was... abstract. Still, the desserts there were good, and if you don't mind the rather hefty price, the place is still a good place to go relax and chill with a couple of friends or so.
Very soon, we started spewing nonsense again. Talked about lots of stuff, the usual nonsensical crap, my usual nonsense (Is He? Is She? ISABELLA!), Alex's usual cryptic-ness, Ger's usual rubbish and also serious stuff, like the state of our relationships, marriage, children, etc etc. It was enjoyable, lots of laughs, because I insisted that Ger's becoming an alcoholic and was drunk, she kept insisting that she was not, but got very high; Alex acting as if he was able to judge the level of drunkness that she is in, and she insisting that Alex and I were more drunk that she was because we were both so nonsensical. I've got to admit, I was high, but not on alcohol, but rather due to the pine leaves that I was smelling, because my dish had a couple of pine leaves given to us and you were supposed to smell it to give you a different taste or something. ANYWAY, it was abstract, and although I didn't really get it, I HAD to act as though I understood it.
After that, I offered to send both of them home. What's up with me and sending people home? I remember the first lesson that Kailiang taught me after I got my license was always to learn to say NO. So far, I've never said 'no' to anyone, but then neither does Kailiang. But oh what the heck, I might have my license revoked so really, I shouldn't care about that right now. Grrrrrr.
P.S: I just read Geraldine's blog and she calls me and Alex her GIRLFRIENDS, to quote her exact words, 'they're like this bunch of great girlfriends that most girls have, that I don't.' Although I most certainly RESENT that label, it is no doubt true. I would much prefer the term 'listening ear' though. But anyway, that's what die-hard friends are for. I know they would do the same thing for me, so really, its the least we could do for her.
On the 23rd of December, my Christmas weekend started with a field trip to the National History Museum with 04s71 & our GP/CT tutor Mr Augustine Wong. It was the first time the class ever had an outing with Mr Wong, which was an interesting experience, but nonetheless, it was an enjoyable one. We first went to Olio Dome Cafe at the Singapore Art Museum to chill and wait for everyone to assemble, then we headed off to the History Museum to catch the exhibit of Greek artifacts from the Lourve currently on display there. Then we braved the rain to travel to Village at Heren for dinner. All in all, it was probably the most successful class outing ever, with over 16 people turning up for the museum trip or dinner. It was most certainly the highlight of my christmas weekend!
Donuts that were HC130's present to the class.
My drink at Olio Dome - Mocha with Gelato. What a treat!
HC130 taking a 'Where's Shinwei?' picture, when Shinwei is sitting just directly opposite them! Priceless expression though!
The receipt said $71.33, we got high because we were from 71.
Shinwei in a 'try-it-on Toga' at the exhibit itself. I think she'll kill me for posting this, but we all thought she looked nice in it. Can consider that as a gown for some important event or something.
GAD acting lost in the museum. I like this pic, has a nice poetic feel to it.
There was this giant flashing screen in the museum and Yisheng wanted me to act Matrix-like in front of it. I think I failed spectacularly.
Group photo of those who went to the exhibit!
The inside of a Root Beer bottle. I was bored and just experimenting with my camera.
Geraldine and Amanda.
Yisheng (whom you can't see in the dark!), Alex, Junjia, Khengwee.
Lileng and Yiling (whom I haven't seen in AGES!)
HC133! My PW group (sans Miki). Amanda, Debra, Me. I haven't seen Debra in AGES too!
Another group photo of everyone who went for dinner!
On the 24th, I spent the day doing last minute christmas shopping and wrapping. Dinner was spent at Sebastian's house, and after that, I sent Alex home. It was great fun chatting with him while driving. And I love sending people home. Gives me time to talk to them.
On the 25th, I went to my Aunt's place for a Christmas gathering. Haven't seen the whole extended family for a long time, and everyone kept going on about how I became so thin. I don't think its that much of a big deal, since I've always been so thin. But anyway, it was nice seeing them, got a few presents here and there. Stayed from lunch to dinner, and then went home to enjoy some computer gaming.
On the 26th, went to watch Mr Magorium's Magical Emporium at AMK hub. Nice film, for more details, read my entry dated 26/12/07.
And that's my long Christmas weekend. Going to school now to study. Tata!
Its just day 1 of my first day as a full time driver and I have things to bitch about.
First things first - parking fees. I used to wonder why so many of my driver friends find parking so problematic, and why they find so many different ways to scrimp and save on parking fees. I used to wonder why, until today. PARKING FEES are equivalent to day light robbery! I spent almost 17 dollars on parking today - ATROCIOUS. Its so hard to get decent free parking these days. I am still mildly sore at losing my free, hard earned lot at Science this morning, and the high cost incurred for parking throughout the rest of the day did nothing to quell my annoyance at that.
Secondly, fuel costs. OMG, at two dollars per litre, petrol is now a literal pain in the ass. Petrol companies are now no different tobacco companies - evil blood sucking fiends who are just out to suck you dry. It hurts me to see the the fuel gauge dip by even the remotest amount each time I park at a (highly expensive) lot. Every drop, every single drop of fuel is MONEY, money burnt, never to be returned to the pocket. Whats more, it causes pollution, it harms the environment, and the smoke it produces causes us to develop cancer and turns our lungs black! If I were a Senator of the USA , I'll definitely campaign for finding alternative fuel - cheaper ones at that! THE WORLD HAS TO BE SAVED! And one day, I will save it!
On another note, I feel happy that I met up with Sebastian today and helped him with his application essay. I think we made good progress today. I hope his application goes smoothly, and that all the hard work we did today would pay off. Anyway, it was good stuff. I think I'll make a good communication director for some US politician or something - just like Kitty Walker from 'Brothers and Sisters'. Who knows? If the doctor thing doesn't work out, I could move to the US and like work as the communication director for some US Presidential candidate or something.
Alternatively, I could work for some gossip tabloid juicy magazine and aim to ruin the lives of others. That would totally work too!
geraldineeeeeeee says: oh well geraldineeeeeeee says: i hope someday u'd look at this and laugh [lamb to the slaughter] - life is beautiful, but it's complicated says: i don't think so [lamb to the slaughter] - life is beautiful, but it's complicated says: i'm sorry [lamb to the slaughter] - life is beautiful, but it's complicated says: but i can be very unforgiving at times [lamb to the slaughter] - life is beautiful, but it's complicated says: =/ geraldineeeeeeee says: from what i see geraldineeeeeeee says: you eat your words too geraldineeeeeeee says: and u have a soft spot for your friends [lamb to the slaughter] - life is beautiful, but it's complicated says: ..........
I was ranting to Geraldine last night about certain issues, and how I'm not so forgiving all the time, when she said those words above. I dunno why, but the part on me having a soft spot for my friends just rendered me speechless for quite sometime. I guess I never really saw that in me. I always thought I was someone who was emotionally independent and was good at being emotionally independent, but I guess the reason why it struck me dumb was that I sort of realised that she isn't entirely off tangent either. But yeah, I think I have soft spot for those I call friends - so much so I let them get away with things, I go all out to help them when I think they need my help - even if it means just sitting beside them in silence as a show of support, or provide a listening ear to their troubles. I think I'm really too idealistic, but then I see no other way for me to live my life out. Its just simply who I am. I seriously can't see myself being any less idealistic than I already am, or having less optimism that some good in this world still remains. ________________________________
[msn conversation]
[lamb to the slaughter] - life is beautiful, but it's complicated says: i'm actually more like harry potter than i dare admit. geraldineeeeeeee says: .......... geraldineeeeeeee says: voldemort is pure evil [lamb to the slaughter] - life is beautiful, but it's complicated says: yeah, and i'm not [lamb to the slaughter] - life is beautiful, but it's complicated says: haha geraldineeeeeeee says: ur human geraldineeeeeeee says: hahahahah!! [lamb to the slaughter] - life is beautiful, but it's complicated says: haha [lamb to the slaughter] - life is beautiful, but it's complicated says: like harry [lamb to the slaughter] - life is beautiful, but it's complicated says: my friend was telling me that i'm actually like harry [lamb to the slaughter] - life is beautiful, but it's complicated says: i was like 'WTF? NOOOOOo i'm voldemort!' geraldineeeeeeee says: awwwwww geraldineeeeeeee says: voldie is insulted [lamb to the slaughter] - life is beautiful, but it's complicated says: he was like 'yeah.... right. voldemort doesn't wish he could do volunteer work in cambodia' [lamb to the slaughter] - life is beautiful, but it's complicated says: hahaah geraldineeeeeeee says: *smiley of some laughing cat*
[/msn conversation] _____________________________
OMFG! I'm starting to think that I'm really like Harry.
Okay, this entry really didn't turn out the way I intended it to be. But I'm at a lost of words. I just think that I'm actually more of a better person than I ever expected myself to be. At least I hope so.
HCJC MAF '07 was held on the 15th of September. It was a night filled with the same old feelings of nostalgia. I sorta think MAF is just one big excuse for HC alumnus to just keep reminiscing of the good old times that are now long gone. HC is the only JC institution that has such an event, which strengthens the whole image of everyone of us being part of this huge family. But its good! Good excuse to just temporarily forget about the present and to live in the past. (just make sure you don't get stuck living in the past for too long. =p)
I miss 71. I really do. My favourite photo is that of the label on my classbench - they haven't changed it yet! It's as if 04s71's spirit still lives on in that wooden bench that we were so proud to call ours. Sigh.
I think I speak for all 71-ians out there when I say that our CT, Mr Wong totally made our day when he sent us a SMS that night. Here's the message; its too hilarious to NOT post it here:
"It was really nice seeing so many members of the class today. What I shall remember most about 71 is the solidarity of spirit shown and the sincerity of friendship shared. What impresses me too is the admirable humility of so many of you who are indisputably high achievers on your own terms. Wanted to catch up with all of you on a one-to-one basis, but think we were somewhat pressed for time today.. We'll meet again end of the year outside of college. Should be a nice change. Can meet for dinner at say, Marche or something."
Its such a typical Mr Wong kind of message. I was laughing my hearts out when I was reading it out to a few of the girls whom I was having supper with. But even though we thought it was funny, I guess we all felt that it was also darn true. All Mr Wong did was just use his awesome command of English and express what all of us couldn't. What he was describing was just that bond that my class had. It was a unique bond, and one that I can PROUDLY say NO OTHER CLASS in HCJC HAD. We were mad when we wanted to be mad, we were hard-working when we had to be hard-working; we had loads of fun all the time, but at the end of the day, we made sure all of us produced the results that was needed. And most importantly, we tried to do everything without anyone being left behind. It was a great class to be in, filled with genuine, good-natured, good-hearted people and I love everyone of them for being that just.
Geraldine and I are trying to get all 71-ians to change their MSN personal messages to "solidarity of spirit shown and the sincerity of friendship shared." That'll be so darn cool.
Photos galore! Credit for the light up photo goes to Shinwei, wasn't around at the light up because the guys + suan went off to watch Lileng's dance concert.
UPDATE @ 0136h: SHIT! I WATCHED IT IN THE END! OMG! ITS SUCH A SAD SHOW!!!!!! ARGH! WHAT A BLOODY NICE MOVIE! Just finished watching it actually and I must say it didn't turn out as cheesy or as bad as I thought it would be... still abit strange, but the film was so well made! I love the cinematography... the scenery is so picturesque.
I haven't really figured out the ending though, but I thought the love story between the characters was SO SWEET. Its not the kind that is mind-numbingly sweet, but you know, the realistic kind, they were doing things that I personally would do on a date, kinda reminded me of what I did with her back then but that's why its so realistically sweet! Oh my, I'm going through neurotic hyperdrive here! But I'm in love with the female lead 小雨! She's not exactly pretty or beautiful, but I love the fact that she has character and that she's got style! She so eccentric and kooky! I love my girls eccentric and kooky! OMG! I WANT A GIRLFRIEND LIKE HER! WHERE DO I GET A FREAKING PIANO THAT CAN SEND ME INTO THE FUTURE/PAST TO MEET SOMEONE LIKE HER! ARGH!
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. NOW I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP BECAUSE I'M ALL FLUFFY AND ANGSTY INSIDE! Sigh.
Dunno why, but this song is stuck in my head right now. Oh and thanks to Sara, I finally found out the whole SECRET behind the movie! And oh my god, it sounds so cheesy. I'm really put off from watching it... even if its going to be like free on crunchyroll.com!
Today's kinda weird. But what Gerard said is true - perfectly morose and morbid. Grey skies in the morning, like its heralding an imminent Dementor invasion. I think I'm feeling the effects of burnt-out. I dunno, but yeah, its hard to feel happy in light of stuff and events that's been going on.
PBL tomorrow. Bleah. Work work work. But then if it were for Prof. Loke, I wouldn't mind slogging my ass off, but our new PBL tutor's this anal-retentive person that seriously can't keep his opinions to himself and just simply won't shut up. Which is why I finally understand how PBL can be such a pain and why so many of my friends were complaining about it in the previous year.
Oh and on another entirely different note, I experienced a prophetic dream/deja vu moment today. I should have read the signs and prepared or prevented what was coming... but at that time the dream was so ludicrous that I wouldn't have believed that it would come true. Which is something that you'll expect someone to learn from considering that this is like his 8th time having such prophetic dreams. But oh well, I never learn. And anyway, its so hard to decide which dream would come true and which wouldn't. Sometimes they do come true, other times, they just fall flat. So you can't blame me for not trying. At that time, the situation was deemed highly unlikely to ever happen, so I didn't really pay much attention to it in the first place.
Come to think of it, having prior knowledge about it might not have prevented the situation from happening in the first place. I guess things happen for a reason - best to leave it be.
If someone's heart is flat-lining, you give him a shot of atropine to kick start his heart and get it going again. If someone is having an epileptic fit, you give him a shot of diazepam to stop his seizures. If someone is suffering from anaphylaxis, you give him a shot of epinephrine to counteract the action of histamine being released.
But when someone's feeling down, what course of treatment do you use?
Sometimes, having a conversation, is all you need to save a life. Show that you care, show that they matter, show that they aren't alone.
Just two more months before ORD folks! Hang in there! But if ever you need someone to talk to again, this doc is always available. Just dial the number and he'll be there, serving as your toll-free counseling service. =)
I met up with my classmates/fellow economics 'S' students, Ailin, Eesuan and Huilin last night. Weishu was supposed to join us and make it a full Econs 'S' outing (so geeky!) but unfortunately, something cropped up back home and he couldn't make it. So it was just me and the 3 girls. I brought them to the MINT cafe (and so, indirectly contributed to Huipei's pocket money) mainly to escape the crowds that was flooding the city on a Saturday night, and also to use all the coupons that I accumulated from DnD. (Huilin, if you are reading this, I WANT PHOTOS!)
It was great to meet up with them. Actually, I had already met up with them on separate occasions prior to that, but not as a group. So what was great this time round was the group dynamics of our Thursday lessons after school, staying back and lazing at the class bench all over again. I kinda miss studying Economics with them. I miss the days where I was dealing something that was ambiguous, where you could just argue or debate your way through, without needing that much fact to substantiate your views. Medicine's all about facts, which is so memory intensive that it causes memory burn. I miss my LDMR, market theory, fiscal and monetary policies etc.
It was interesting to hear the girls talk about their community service stints in China. All three of them went to China to do community service, quite a coincidence really. The fact that they all took the plunge and just gamely went on OCIP trips really impressed me, because I'm always deliberating over going to OCIPs (see my previous entry dated 27/08/07). But I've always felt the girls from 71 were all very unique and impressive individuals, and I've learnt so much from befriending them. Inspiring people.
2 years on and it appears we have all become slightly jaded. The girls saw my matriculation photo taken during prom, and they were commenting that I looked so 'youthful' in it, and that I look 'old' now. 'Old' is such a wrong word though! I guess its just time exhibiting its effects on all of us. I do feel slightly jaded with life actually. You learn things about life - about dealing with people, dealing with work, dealing with society. At least I know now that not everything is as simple as ABC, and not everything is as idealistic as how I want it to be. Also, I seem to be talking less these days, which is a good thing because I sometimes talk too much. I find that I have nothing much to share or talk about. The problems and experiences I have these days are so trivial compared to the problems that they have been facing, it makes me feel ashamed of myself.
Ailin said I've changed. Its interesting to note that change seems to be a constant in my life, because its not the first time someone told me that I've change. But hey, at least they all say that I've always been constantly changing for the better. Besides being thinner, more adult looking, apparently I've become more sociable and more sure of the way the world is and more sure of my place in it. Whether I've really changed or not, I don't really know. Maybe its a subtle thing, but I would like to think that if I've changed, its not for the sake of change alone, but rather change for a reason, from within.
University students should never believe their Professors, especially when said Professors are looking for subjects to conduct some sick survey/dry run of tutorial methods... and when they are desperate for subjects to lay their dirty hands upon, they will use whatever means possible to get the numbers that they need, even if they go against their professional morals and lie through their teeth.
On the other hand, today is a day where I really should have followed my instincts, and listened to my inner Slytherin. It was practically hissing at me to run and get out of school and skip all the unnecessary lessons/talks. I could have skipped the stupid Physio feedback session (which turned out to be some sick CA revision for Physio, which I ended up failing spectacularly) and also the Perm Sect talk held at 1900 at night. But somehow or another, my inner Slytherin was silenced, partly due to the Gryffindor-ish element that's dormat in my heart, but mostly because of the words and persuasions put forth by my OG-mates... many of whom possess Gryffindor and Hufflepuff type characters.
Oh yes. My OG mates are so so so so SOOOOOOO Gryffindor-ish. Sigh. Its times like these that make me realize why Draco Malfoy was always so exasperated with Harry Potter. But its good I suppose that they are more Gryffindor-ish. So keep it up my friends! Just don't over do it all the time! =p
That said... I bet half the Physio Professors are Slytherins. Grrrr.
Oh wow, the picture finally got uploaded! Anyway, that's a piece of fan art drawn by Gladys, of GAG+D in Hogwarts. I think its amazing that someone like Gladys, who's so skeptical about Harry Potter, has ended up drawing fan art of the Harry Potter universe. How the world has changed.
And in case you couldn't figure it out, I'm the scrawny one in the far corner, who is conjuring a patronus. I like the way Gladys paid attention to detail, like the fact that my hair's actually tainted brown. So Gladys, if you are reading this, you go girl! Such an incredibly perceptive individual! (that's why she's in Ravenclaw!)
And in case you didn't know, this picture was supposed to be our birthday gift to Alex. (Gladys drew & painted, I was in charge of adding the comments and Geraldine... approved everything. *snicker*) Which is kinda cheapskate considering the fact that Alex had been giving us treats and buying us expensive gifts. So girls, I think we really can't ignore the facts this time round - we need to get him something ON top of our little picture!
School's in session right now. I hate the fact that I'm schooling again - early mornings, god-forsaken lecturers, hidden lecture notes. I feel like M2 is horribly hard to go through. I think I'm quite lost right now, though I'm sure I will find my bearings soon. I know at least I'm NOT as lost as the beginning of M1, so I think I'll try to be a very good councillor to my councilee and hope that she doesn't feel as lost as I did. Though I'm quite startled (and slightly disappointed) by the fact that she's taller (and also bulkier) than me. It was quite intimidating to pass her my notes... But anyway, I think I will start settling in after I buy my books this weekend, and also when my councillor passes me her stuff for M2. My councillor promised to pass me stuff next week! So hopefully I won't be as lost by then!
I was pondering over what was said yesterday before, during and after the Sodagreen concert and the more I pondered, the more convinced I am of my conclusion that we aren't exactly as close as people thought us to be. We are friends, yes, but I think I have to admit that we don't really know each other very well, and even though we (or rather I) try to convince myself otherwise, the truth has actually been lying in front of me for like what, 3 years?
I'm fine with that actually. I think I've long gotten over the fact that old friends just drift apart. But what I really can't stand is the way other people just assume we are awfully close, and just keep assuming that I know everything about you, and when I tell them that I seriously don't know what you are thinking, they express surprise, sometimes even shock. Honestly, what's there to be surprised about? You are such a hard person to get to know, I don't even know why I bothered to even try so hard in the first place.
This is NOT a rant. I'm not angry or anything, just a bit tired and annoyed at the way common friends that we have just keep assuming that after knowing each other for such a long time, I know him very well. Well, I don't. Even more annoying is when people start comparing me against him. It is FREAKING irritating. I am not one who likes to be compared with other people, much less with my friends who I've seen, both in the positive and negative light. I hate it when other people just keep going on and on about how nice, how caring, how patient you are while I'm like a total opposite - impatient, uncaring, nasty; someone who doesn't care about my friends, which just pisses me off, because if you truly know me, friends are very high up on my list of important things. Okay, maybe I'm not so high on the material side of friendship, like remembering birthdays and buying fancy gifts, but to me that's not the essential part of friendship. To me, what's more important in friendship is the whole being-there-for-friends-when-they-have-troubles-thing, listening to them, talking to them, understanding them; and people who have had any idea of the amount of effort I have placed into helping others in the past, would understand why I'm so pissed that people can actually claim that I don't care about my friends.
All I can say is that, before you actually do any comparison, please please please get your facts right before starting on anything. No one is perfect, and before you even attempt to compare me against him, please consider if you know him at all, if you truly know him at all. Before you attempt to even say who's good or bad, who's right or wrong, just consider the fact the only reason why he's so perfect in all your eyes, is because you haven't seen the other darker, not-so-perfect side of him, which incidentally, is something that I've seen and have gotten quite exasperated over, loads and loads of times before. People just have aspects that they show and they don't show to others. Its not justifiable to just scratch the surface and just come to conclusions based on that.
So to all of you who actually have an inkling of the fact that you are involved in this, please, stop comparing air with earth, because we are totally different individuals. In the end of the day, if you still want to judge me as a bad friend compared to him (or others for that matter) then fine. I won't protest. Just know that no matter what, I'm still proud of the way I've ended up as an individual. At least I dare to speak and face the not-so-convenient-truths and to confront them - and no one is able to take that away from me.
It started of on a really bad note, with the whole fiasco of me deleting my whole DnD folder on my laptop. I really lost it and for ten whole solid minutes, I just swore and swore, trying to use any means possible to retrieve it. But once I realised that it was a done deal, I flew online to make sure Sam kept the files that I once sent her. And thank God she had. Nonetheless, it was a major scare and I still lost like 60% of my files, which included the banner design that I had just completed and had not sent to anyone. I think I was more angry with my own stupidity really.
On Monday, I went down to The Oriental with the DnD committee. But before I met them, I took the opportunity to go CD shopping. Spent a total of 80 bucks buying four albums, which I sorta regret really because I am currently in an extreme financial state right now. I HAVE NO MONEY, and yet I owe people lots and lots of money. Which is so ironic because now that I'm giving tuition, you would have expected me to have more income and thus more money. But I guess the illusion of you having more income just spurs you on to spend more, so there you are. Anyway, I met the committee after that and then we all went down to The Oriental hotel to meet the programme manager, the host and the representative from the hotel itself. It was quite a fun meeting. I think we managed to settle lots of stuff and there was an air of achievement in the air, a kind of finality to the fact that DnD was really going to happen. One think I just gotta say though, I think the chandeliers of The Oriental hotel are SO BLOODY OBIANG. Disgusting. How to make the place rockstar-ish with those ugly things hanging from the celling?
Random note: Currently listening to Oasis' Greatest Hits album.
On Tuesday, it was the usual old routine. Driving in the morning. I met Xiaoyan at the driving centre after that which was wonderful because I haven't had the chance to meet her all holiday despite the fact that she had been back from the US for like 4 months already. Had a nice chat for the 15 minutes that she was there, waiting for her mom to pick her up for a medical check up. She offered me a lift to my house, which is so freaking near hers anyway. It was nice talking to her, even though it was only for a short while. 71 really should meet up soon, but sigh! I'm just experiencing too much inertia to initiate anything really.
After that it was Simpsons with Anat group peeps and Starscream in the the afternoon. Simpsons is really funny. I think Homer is so idiotic though. But that is what makes him funny. Never laughed so much in a movie, except maybe Shrek. Good stuff though. Brainless, irrelevant humour. Then I left after the show for Pasir Ris to give tution.
Wednesday was another busy day. I went down to school in the morning to celebrate Yinxia's birthday. Goldilocks gave her a small birthday celebration at the Science canteen, after which I went to help out with a bit with RAG. Had a really good time catching up with Shihui while pasting and cutting some colourful cube like thing and she was making her pig. Haha. I really should take a more active role in RAG... but if you ask me, DnD's more fun. I guess I might just go down for another day or two, but considering my messy and tight schedule for next week, it looks like I'm in for hell. But anyway, after that, I went with Starscream to Haagen Dazs@Holland Village where they were using their vouchers won from medicamp. Of course we were nice seniors and insisted on paying for our own purchases. Haha.
Interesting thing at Holland Village - I met three of my Chinese High teachers: Ms Yeo, Ms Koe and Mr Lim. all in Holland Village, in ONE DAY. I was quite freaked out because when I went back, Mr Lim immediately started to chat with me on MSN, which was so so freaky. I also met Amanda from 71! She was conducting some survey for Campus Crusade, so I sorta volunteered to do it for her and she gave me an interesting note pad. And as always, she was asking me to organise a 71 outing, but I seriously have no idea what to do about that. Too much inertia.
At night, I discovered lots of sad stuff from some of my friends. I hope they cheer up soon. Its so strange to hear some of the problems my friends are going true right now, and sounds so empty and hollow to tell them to cheer up, but I guess I'm not too sure how to deal with such things (because they have never occurred to me before) except to be a listening ear for them. The world should really be a better place than it is today.
Today's another day of routine. Driving in the morning, tuition at night. I'm starting to feel exhaustion creeping up on me!
When You're Gone - Avril Lavigne I always needed time on my own I never thought I'd need you there when I cry And the days feel like years when I'm alone And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take Do you see how much I need you right now
When you're gone The pieces of my heart are missing you When you're gone The face I came to know is missing too When you're gone The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok I miss you
I've never felt this way before Everything that I do reminds me of you And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take Do you see how much I need you right now
We were made for each other Out here forever I know we were, yeah All I ever wanted was for you to know Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah _________________________________
Right. Cheesy song, cheesy lyrics, but it works fine for me. That's the good thing about Avril Lavigne. She's no Genius song-writer, her lyrics are elementary and her songs are brainless. You don't have to look too deeply for hidden meanings and what-nots. You just put the record on and let your mind float along with the sheer cheesiness of the songs. Jolly good rollicking time.
Oh and don't ask me why I have sudden emo moments and mood swings. It just happens, especially when I'm very tired and a particular sad song comes to mind, then its *WHAM* and I'm hit by the emo bug for the rest of the day.
Anyway, Medicamp '07 has officially come to an end. (And thank god for that.) Was telling Sara that I am very sick of taking photos already. Thankfully, she felt that way too. She was telling me that every night she felt so tired just looking through the photos she took over the day, she seriously considered not taking more photos over the next few days. So reassuring. Its good to know that I wasn't the only one who felt like slacking and not take photos anymore. Now that my 'boss' feels that way too, I feel like I can slack without feeling overly guilty. Woo-hoo.
Now that Medicamp '07 has come to a close, I hope everyone can just go back to our pre-camp happiness and live in harmony with one another. Although I sincerely doubt that all the unhappiness that has happened will ever be completely swept under the carpet (I've come to learn that humans NEVER ever really forgive and forget), I hope that some effort would be made to maintain cordial ties with one another, despite all the crap that people may have experienced.
If there was anything worth noting from Medicamp, it would be the fact that the M1s this year are very exhibitionistic. (trust me, I have the photos to prove it) And surprisingly, I actually know at least 3 juniors who made it into Medicine. Wow, and here I was hoping that no one in M1 would know me. And that boys will always be boys, and that girls will always be girls. (Again, I have the photos to prove it) I shall see if I can post any photos here or not. After all, bulk of the better shots have to go to the CD that Jonk's creating, so yeah, we'll see.
I'm really quite tired from all the late nights and voyeurism photo-taking. Damn. I feel so old right now.
UPDATE @ 1118: I've come to a conclusion that exhaustion is the main key to all the tempers flaring during Medicamp (before, during and after). Or rather, it becomes the main trigger for igniting all the smothering tempers which are just raring to burst into flames and burn the house down. So you are stuck in a situation where everyone is on a very short leash and any small insignificant matter or disagreement just gets magnified and blown out of proportion. Accumulated anger just blows over. All safety controls and filters just lose their function. And explosions, just happen.
It sucks when you are stuck in the middle - when people on both sides are your friends. I am seriously freaked out by this. I hate internal strife. I seriously hate it. I just hope everything will go back to normal ASAP, because I cannot imagine life in Med school without all the happy moments I had with my new friends there and I really don't want to end up in a situation where friends end up hating or drawing away from each other all over again. Once bitten, twice shy. I don't want a replay of what happened in secondary school where the people I was close to just sort of broke apart because people just started getting annoyed with one another and cause others to take sides. I don't ever want to go through that again because quite simply, it sucks and affects friendships and everyone and stuff, and in the end, no one is going to be the winner or 'ULTIMATE SURVIVOR' and win amazing prizes or something. Because we all need one another. We seriously do. Because its going to be an utterly long road, and we need all the support and comradeship that we can get in order to make it.
So far, its been quite a bad week. I hope tomorrow's Potter Mania would help me forget all that has happened - at least for a day or something. Let me have a day away from all the troubles of reality.
Name: voldemort33
XY, 01/06/1987, s'porean typical geminian free-thinker moody & eccentric thinks far too much for his own good med student (be afraid. be very afraid!) demon45_6f@hotmail.com
crazy craves
music (jazz, rock and lounge) day-dreaming drawing & photography animals (sheep!) chocolate and tea! seafood, noodles and soup!
pet peeves
noisy crowds over-possessive, insecure, whiny people two-faced hypocrites housework and homework being called 'rich' rushing to do stuff crying, pesky kids
deepest darkest desires! (aka wishlist!)
to be a doctor (with a heart of gold!) a dog my own condo apartment a driving license and my own four wheel drive my own comic line someone to hug
