| Monday, 2 July 2007 |
| where do you go when... |
I feeling very shagged. Very exhausted right now.
Sleeping at a relatively early time of 1230 last night has done nothing to elevate the exhaustion that I had accumulated due to sleeping for only 3 hours the previous night.
And when you are so tired, you just lose all the will power and strength to keep the unhappy thoughts out of your head. I had a rough two days - It was hell, trying to get things out of your head.
Even a temporary sugar rush from a massive chocolate intake didn't do much to elevate the situation, in fact, I think I felt more down after the effects of the chocolate-induced euphoria ebbed away.
I know I'm trying very consciously to put up appearances. When I'm feeling down around people, I try my best to pull my frown into a smile. But its becoming increasingly difficult to do so - its so tiring, and sometimes you just wish you could just give up and let it all crumble.
But I'm not that kind of person. Something in me just forbids me from being that kind of person. Call it an ego, call it pride. But certain experiences in my childhood just turned me into such a person.
Gilyn once said that I was actually like Draco Malfoy from the Harry Potter series. I disagreed with her opinions then, but now, I sorta realise what she meant when she said I was like Draco Malfoy.
And you know what? She's right. I'm really quite similar to him.
Its just that while walking alone to the bus stop yesterday, I felt a sudden upsurge of unbelievable loneliness. I guess its been around the whole day - despite being surrounded by friends, and whatever appearance I may have been presenting, there's this feeling that I'm still very much alone.
And while waiting at the bus stop, I had this sudden feeling that I really have no place to go.
I had this sudden urge not to go back home because its filled with so much unhappiness right now, due to the situation of the house and my brother being ill.
But if you don't go home, where else can you go?
Go camp at a friend's house? No friend of mine is willing to do that. Go hang out in town til like the early hours of the morn? What's there to do but booze and more booze?
Get friends to keep you company? I can't possibly impose on them, and honestly, I don't know if I want company or not - when you are alone, you feel like you need company, but when you are with people, you just want to be alone.
So where do you go when you are looking for some place to hide from yourself? I seriously dunno.Labels: emo |
posted by voldemort33 @ 10:51  |
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