| Friday 2 January 2009 |
| I pray for its swift arrival. |
The grass is always greener on the other side.
I sometimes wonder why I ever chose to be in Medicine, to join a faculty where everyone is incredibly driven and never afraid to show it. Its like subjecting oneself to torture or locking yourself in a pressure cooker. The pressure is stifling and while it doesn't knock you out in the very first instance, it takes time to build up in intensity until the combined pressure becomes just simply too much to handle. That's when you are forced to implode.
I must admit that, up to now, I've never had to grapple with this unfortunate truth. Today was the day that I actually felt and witnessed the intensity of it all, the way the all encompassing pressure engulfs you and threatens to overpower you. I've finally had to face it and I'm telling you, I definitely do not want to have to face it again.
Its times like this when the unfortunate little thing called 'regret' would start to rear its ugly head, and then you wonder why you chose to let yourself be cooked in the pressure cooker in the first place. You start to wonder how life would be if you chose to be locked on the other side of the fence, to roam free among the fields and to find yourself with the time to stop and smell the flowers, instead of being hustled along a long stretching road of never-ending competitions and challenges. Its times like this when the tricky little thing called 'doubt' starts to surface in your heart and mind, and then you wonder if you can handle the immense pressure of it all; if you are equipped to survive the rat-race, if you are on par with your fellow compatriots.
You start wondering if you can ever match up to them, if you can ever compete with them, because you realise you just don't have the strength, stamina or speed to match them, because you don't see the point in doing so.
These are the days where the wish to NOT be in the race really surfaces. I can honestly say that I really really wish that I was free and carefree like Chen Sheng and just strolling down a beach somewhere along the Malayan Coast, singing a couple of Pantuns, with hardly a care for the world. Or exploring the streets of Europe and learning about the local history and culture.
Some people would call this desire of mine to be escapism. I view it as liberation.
At this point in time, I would give anything to be living a carefree life and to not be stuck in the cruel and ultra-competitive world of Medical School. I am honestly, quite sick of all the everyday politics and subtle rivalries as people, be it enemies, rivals and even friends, struggle to outwit and outmatch each other. It is just exhausting, too exhausting for one to have to face.
Everything has got to have an ending. I pray for its swift arrival.Labels: school, soul |
posted by voldemort33 @ 23:37  |
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