I sometimes wonder why I ever chose to be in Medicine, to join a faculty where everyone is incredibly driven and never afraid to show it. Its like subjecting oneself to torture or locking yourself in a pressure cooker. The pressure is stifling and while it doesn't knock you out in the very first instance, it takes time to build up in intensity until the combined pressure becomes just simply too much to handle. That's when you are forced to implode.
I must admit that, up to now, I've never had to grapple with this unfortunate truth. Today was the day that I actually felt and witnessed the intensity of it all, the way the all encompassing pressure engulfs you and threatens to overpower you. I've finally had to face it and I'm telling you, I definitely do not want to have to face it again.
Its times like this when the unfortunate little thing called 'regret' would start to rear its ugly head, and then you wonder why you chose to let yourself be cooked in the pressure cooker in the first place. You start to wonder how life would be if you chose to be locked on the other side of the fence, to roam free among the fields and to find yourself with the time to stop and smell the flowers, instead of being hustled along a long stretching road of never-ending competitions and challenges. Its times like this when the tricky little thing called 'doubt' starts to surface in your heart and mind, and then you wonder if you can handle the immense pressure of it all; if you are equipped to survive the rat-race, if you are on par with your fellow compatriots. You start wondering if you can ever match up to them, if you can ever compete with them, because you realise you just don't have the strength, stamina or speed to match them, because you don't see the point in doing so.
These are the days where the wish to NOT be in the race really surfaces. I can honestly say that I really really wish that I was free and carefree like Chen Sheng and just strolling down a beach somewhere along the Malayan Coast, singing a couple of Pantuns, with hardly a care for the world. Or exploring the streets of Europe and learning about the local history and culture. Some people would call this desire of mine to be escapism. I view it as liberation.
At this point in time, I would give anything to be living a carefree life and to not be stuck in the cruel and ultra-competitive world of Medical School. I am honestly, quite sick of all the everyday politics and subtle rivalries as people, be it enemies, rivals and even friends, struggle to outwit and outmatch each other. It is just exhausting, too exhausting for one to have to face.
Everything has got to have an ending. I pray for its swift arrival.
And so, tomorrow's the start of my dreaded End-of-Medicine-Posting test. Tomorrow's going to be just part 1. Part 2 (probably the more stressful and terrifying component) is going to be on Saturday. After the past 9 weeks of struggling to learn something during postings, I've finally come down to the point where I'm going to find out whether I've succeeded in learning enough to past the first big test of the Clinical years. Unfortunately, my first test has to be one of the biggest tests of all.
If you thing about it, the EOPT is something like an Olympic event. We slog so hard, put in so much effort, doing the same Physical exams over and over again, reading the same topic over and over again, thinking about the same problems over and over again... all for the 2 days of assessment, 2 days where every little thing matters. The examiners (or judges) aren't going to look at what you had achieved over the past few months, they are going to look at what you are going to write and do in the next two days. So yeah, its like the Olympics. You train your ass off for the past 4 years just to qualify for an event and when the time comes for you to perform on the world's biggest sporting stage, you either rise magnificently to the occasion, or you fall, face flat without a shred of dignity.
Your tutors can teach you that much. Your coaches can advise you that much. But ultimately, it comes down entirely to your own ability to handle the pressure, to think straight, to perform everything according to the way you have been practicing. There will be mistakes and there will be surprises, but if you have the mentality of a champion, you can face these minor hiccups, carry out damage control and convert them into lifesavers that would save the whole routine. You may not win Gold, but what matters is that you don't give up, you don't break down under pressure and you participate in one of the greatest shows in your life.
How fitting that the Olympics come to an end, just when my own medical posting comes to a close. So yeah, the end of EOPT coincides nicely with the Closing Ceremony of the Olympics. What a nice way to wrap things up.
Just a quick update here before my blog ends up in a garbage dump full of rotten vegetables due to the lack of updates...
I was waiting for my mum to pick me up from school today when I decided to go walk round the pseudo museum located in MD11. I was looking at the different plaques hung on the wall, the plaques that listed the names of the different generations of Deans and Department heads when I remembered that I did the exact same thing almost 4 years ago, on that fateful day when I first made up my fickle mind to get into a med school and be a doctor.
I remember feeling so awe-inspired by the columns of names that hung from the walls of the room. I don't really know what it was, but there was this sense of wanting to be part of this illustrious cause and glorious legacy, to be part of an institution or fraternity that had produced countless and countless generations of other talents before me, to be part of a long line of successors to a profession that severely tested the depths of human compassion and patience.
That was me when I was in JC1, 4 freaking long years ago. I didn't even dare imagine that I would one day be in Medical School. But then, I made the cut 2 years later... and before I even knew it, I was playing my way through M1, crawling my way through M2... and now, I'm here at the start of M3, in my long sleeve shirt and trousers, waiting to go home and recuperate before I start another day in the hospitals trying to develop a system of learning that would better train me to become a better doctor. I suddenly realise that its really not all fun and games, which is ironic because I've always known that it was never going to be all fun and games, just that I never thought the situation would develop that quickly into the situation that it is today.
And as I stood there looking at those names hung up on the wall, I suddenly realised that I no longer had that same kind of awe that I used to have when I looked up to see those great names staring back at me. Its a sad thing to realise that those hallowed grounds that you once cherished have ceased to be the same place that it once was.
Its strange to note that I'm having all these sudden thoughts just when the new batch of freshmen have started to embark on their first foray into Medicine. Anyway, time to continue with my written report. Sigh.
Its been a long time since the last entry and so much interesting things have gone by. School's back in and the work load's starting to build up. Yup, its only week 1 and we have a rough sketch of the amount of work we have to do for the term and its not very smile inducing. Haha.
I think I have lots of things to say here, but somehow or another, I'm not really processing them right now. My thoughts are a little bit of here and a little bit of there and its not really very coherently planned out or mapped out. I am not sad, angry, or depressed at anything, but then again, life isn't particularly great either. I guess the life that I'm living right now is one that's just ordinary: ordinarily hectic and ordinarily bland, so much so that I don't really have any particularly strong feelings about the way things are. Perhaps an absence of strong feelings is a sign that all's well and life is good. Or maybe its just a sign that I've grown tired of feeling unhappy and complaining of the way life progresses.
So enough of my thoughts and feelings. Let's talk about Sports. Euro '08 finals is gonna feature Germany and Spain. I am personally supporting Spain because I've seen a couple of their matches and all I can say is that the way they are playing right now is just phenomenal. Germany is a good team and I do know of a couple of friends who are supporting them, but this time round, I'm putting my support behind Spain. They've played well throughout the tournament and deserves the title. Let's hope they pull it off with a final victory on Sunday.
Next up, Wimbledon. Lots of the top seeds are being kicked out of the tournament man. In the men's draw, we have Djokovic, Davydenko, David Ferrer, Andy Roddick (just to name a few) who have been kicked out of the tournament. In the women's draw, we have Ivanovic and Sharapova who are now out of the tournament as well. Its a pity Nadal didn't get kicked out as well, but oh well, the tournament's sure getting exciting because lots of big names are falling out and it looks like the tournament's becoming anybody's game right now. Sure makes things interesting to watch.
I've suddenly ran out of things to say. I think I'll stop here right now. Going off to Jinrong's high tea 21st celebration soon anyway, so yeah. I'll just stop here.
In a blink of an eye, a 7 week course has come and gone. Yup. The Clinical Skills Foundation Course is finally over. I guess we are supposed to come out of it feeling like we are indeed on the right path of becoming a good doctor, but unfortunately, today's OSCE assessment made me realise that I'm far from being a competent doctor, let alone a good one. Yup. I'm now feeling like I just came out of a tiring 7 weeks without learning anything at all.
Nonetheless, its the official end of M2, and the start of M3 beckons in just 3 weeks time. M2 has been a blur. All I remember about it was loads of tests and mugging, loads of inter-personal traumas, loads of tiring days and nights trying to settle things that shouldn't and didn't actually need settling. Life could have been better, but now that I've lived through one of the worse years in Medical school, I feel like life, has been splendidly okay. But then again, if you ask me if I feel more prepared to be a doctor after two years in medicine, I'll tell you that 'no, I do not feel more prepared to be a doctor.' I'm still in a total haze about what is right and wrong, what is expected and not expected of us, what is happening and what is not. Its still a long long way before any of us become someone confident enough to stand out there and BE a doctor. Its still a long way indeed.
Today was spent rotting outside. We watched a beautiful movie called 'Accuracy of Death', starring Takeshi Kaneshiro, in which he was a Shinigami tasked with the job of judging if a person gets to die now or not. It is a brilliant movie about the importance of life and death and makes you think about what the important things in life are. What is your purpose, and have you achieved it? I think its something we should all ponder before death comes to claim us.
And Takeshi Kaneshiro is really bloody delectable. I have no idea why the OG girls prefer Takuya Kimura over him. I think Takeshi is the Asian version of Johnny Depp, and he acts with a kind of nonchalance and flamboyance. He was surprisingly good in this film as the rather innocent and naive Shinigami, who has a strong liking for music and a complete misunderstanding about humans. He was funny when it mattered, and delightful morose when the occasion calls for some serious emo-ing. All in all, he acted really well and it was a marvelous performance.
It was a good movie, the first movie I've watched in ages. My kind of movie because it was thought provoking and rather deep. All in all, definitely a movie I'll recommend, but I suggest you don't watch it if you can't stand slow movies.
After that, it was long time spent slacking around, eating and just chatting. Its been ages since I had a good chat with anyone, let alone so many different people from the OG. I think we had a great time together, exploring so many interesting topics. The greatest surprise of the day was Darryl, who turned out to be a love guru of sorts. Highly, highly shocking. I think we got so high from the chatting that we sort of lost track of the time because we only left Junction 8 at 2330. But still, it was a good day well spent.
Tomorrow's the big day. I'm feeling slightly sianified over all the stuff I have to do and slightly pissed with myself for taking on this undertaking, seeing as to how I hate administrative stuff, but oh well. I have to just suck it up and just live through it and try to be happy about it. Afterall, tomorrow's supposed to be my day.
And yes, the conclusion I got from today is that I may have gotten so used to being single that I don't really want to look for a relationship anymore, and I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Yeah.
Quote of the day: 'What do you think about death?'
So the first week of clinicals has come and gone. I think everyone has their own opinion of how good ,(or bad) it was. I think its infinitely better than the days in lecture halls, struggling to stay awake during boring lectures. But at the same time, its so much more challenging and tiring compared to the foundation years. First of all, we have much longer hours. Secondly, we no longer have the structured lessons and system of the past. And lastly, we no longer get to see all the friends and people that we used to be able to spend time with everyday.
The whole uncertainty that being in clinics bring is quite daunting. I suppose everyone feels kinda out of loop of what exactly we should do and how about we should be doing it. I mean, everyone knows we are in the wards to learn how to do the basics of taking a history and eventually, to learn how to do a basic physical exam. We know that we should be learning to talk to patients, to get over our initial fear of interacting with patients. So what do many of us try to do? Keep clerking patients. But then again, that isn't easy because it takes lots of luck to find a patient that is willing to entertain you, and also lots of guts to approach that patient in the first place.
So at the end of the day, everyone goes home exhausted and frustrated. Frustrated that we seem to be going absolutely nowhere with the clerking and history taking and the physical examination. But I guess, we can't rush such things and can't force us to make the transition from mugger to rugger in like 5 days? There's still lots of stuff to iron out really, and I guess we'll never actually ever give up trying and probably only achieve that total transition when we have gone on in like 10 years time to become some successful doctor in some hopefully good hospital or clinic.
Talking to patients is really tough. I realize that all the previous fantasies and images of me being a doctor with natural empathy and the ability to communicate with patients are absolutely rubbish. I sometimes don't know what to say to patients. Its so hard really to balance the feeling and the thinking, and to be honest, right now, I'm so busy thinking that I'm not capable of doing much feeling at all.
But then again, some patients just HAVE the ability to make you feel. Take the little old lady I met yesterday in the wards and the other old lady I met during NHS today. I can't talk about them here, but lets just say that I can't help but feel totally helpless and useless when I think about them. I think its going to the wards and the grassroots that makes you realize that there is very very little that Medicine alone can help achieve. Medicine without the Social and Political will to help results in half-hearted attempts to change people's lives really. So really, you can't change anything by being in Medicine, and if you are in this job to change lives, you shouldn't hope too much. But if you are in this to help in whatever way's possible, then yes, you're in for the right reasons.
'Come grow old with me, for the best is yet to be..." - Robert Browning
So today marks the start of my clinical skills foundation course. To those few non-medical students friends of mine who still read this long forsaken blog, this means that I've finally started taking that big leap forward into the dark and twisty world of clinical medicine. The next 7 weeks will be an extensive (& long-drawn) orientation to the often confusing and exhausting life in the clinics. No doubt I'll probably have lots more to complain, moan and whine about in the upcoming years as I enter what is arguably the most important stage of my medical career, the sheer exhilaration of being involved in clinical work more than justifies the intense craziness that clinical life would bring.
With regards to my feelings about the clinical years, I must say that as of now, I am rather excited about the upcoming lessons. I know many of my peers expressed fear of the upcoming big transition into clinical life - they are all freaked out by the sheer amount of work to do, the amount of facts and skills to learn, the need to interact with patients, and the need to survive the politics of the hospital hierarchy. I strangely do not share much of their concerns at all, except maybe the politics part. But then again, my mind doesn't register things the way normal people would, so perhaps it isn't that strange for me not to feel any fear at all.
In the upcoming weeks, I would be involved in clerking patients, taking their histories and learning how to do basic physical examinations on patients. I would also start to learn the basics of various other clinical skills and procedures, such as venepuncture, intubations, catheterisations, intramuscular injections, intravenous drips etc. All I can say is that I'm ready for whatever comes my way; whether NUH and the patients are ready for me or not... now that's altogether a totally different question.
Anybody interested in allowing me to practice blood pressure taking (and various other clinical skills) on them should contact me ASAP via either SMS or emails. If you don't already have my contact information, then you really shouldn't even consider volunteering yourself for such potentially devastating torture. Hehe.
And so liberation is finally here again. After over 15 tests/exams, M2 has hopefully and finally come to an end. Yesterday's paper was a befitting finale to the horror of a year, where every single moment seemed to be spent on studying for back to back CAs. Time passed very quickly, but the sad thing is I seemed to have done and achieved nothing, except play this rapid catch-me-if-you-can game with lessons, its like you were rushing to lay down the tracks just before the train comes!
Microbiology pros was every bit the horror I envisioned it to be. It was long, troublesome and challenging. The challenge lay in remembering every single little detail that you had studied before, and reproducing them during the 3 hour slugfest. The questions weren't particularly difficult, but whether you had the answers to them, now that was an entirely different matter altogether. There were times where I just couldn't think of anything to write at all, and ended up writing some laughable cock-and-bull story that hopefully had some level of truth in it. And I actually wrote that 'there was no possible cure at this moment for a toxoplasmosis infection' for one question, when it was obvious that there had to be one, but I just couldn't remember the stupid drug name used to treat it.
All in all, it was like ALL microbiology papers, rather depressing. Then again, its best to not think so much about it. Til the 10th, just like the majority of the cohort, I will be praying that I do not get the Vivas (and Subs!), and I can enjoy this short two week break before CSFC course starts and I can start out M3 with a fresh mindset and approach to life.
I must note though, that though liberation is here, it doesn't feel particularly joyful at all. The fact that we won't ever have long holidays makes it all the more tragic.
Its the final week before the start of our 2nd pros. Things have progressed in remarkably strange pace this week. There were days were nothing much was achieved, and days were progress was so unbelievable that I had to start doubting if anything ever seeped into that cerebrum of mine. And then there was the minor shock I had today, when I work up to find both my parents at home - for a moment, I thought that I had miscalculated the days left and that it was Sunday already. Turns out that today was a public holiday. Wow, like that would do wonders for my social calendar.
Yesterday was quite a blur. It was a day spent trying to recover from the sleep debt accumulated from staying up all night at Xiuzhen's 21st birthday party, and trying to do some amount of substantial studying to cover the horrific loss in study time for the preparation of the party itself. I don't really know how I did it, but in a strange twist of fate, it was the one day where I made the most progress so far in terms of studying. Must be the stress and pressure boring down on me then, granting me unprecedented powers in the field of focusing and concentration. Well, whatever it was I'm really thankful for it because it helped to force me to pick up the slack.
Anyway, I'm trying to study antibiotics and anti-fungal and anti-parasitic agents right now. Yes, I'm studying pharmacology again. It appears that I also develop a sudden urge to blog when I'm studying pharmacology. Must be all the pent up frustration and boredom with the subject.
Quote of the week: 'Happiness is a thumb and a wet blanket.'- Linus van Pelt
I shall now go to shower to attempt to make my continual mugging of antimicrobials more comfortable.
I've always known that Pharmacology would be the main obstacle to my completion of medical school. Even before I entered Med, I've always anticipated that I would develop an everlasting hatred for Pharmacology. "Loathing, unadulterated loathing! I will be loathing you my whole life long!"
To me, drugs just don't make sense. I would rather be studying about random body parts, strange facts on microbes or how diseases come about then memorizing obscure facts about each particular type of drug. Pharmacology just doesn't make any sense at all. Why do we, future doctors, have to memorise facts and properties about so many god-damn drugs when we probably won't actually prescribe half of them in our future work? And why do we have to memorize facts when there are formularies for us to consult in the work place? I just think that all the cramping on drugs that we are doing right now is entirely redundant mugging and way too taxing for us to go through. We should just be allowed to concentrate on other more useful and important facts and not on properties of some stupid drug with utterly fanciful names that all sound or look the same.
I absolutely hate pharmacology. Even though Pharmacology pros isn't til next year, drugs such as immunosuppressants, corticosteroids, antibiotics etc are tested this time round as well. It is one thing to study about living microbes that are at least very fascinating and interesting. It is an entirely different matter to study about synthetic, non-living compounds that have properties such as bioavailability, pharmacokinetics and pharmacodynamics, terms that are really as boring as their names suggest. Last night, I was attempting to study the notes on HIV therapy and antivirals: I stared at the page on mechanism of action for the drug Forscarnet for ages, but nothing went in. Even if you asked me today what Forscarnet does, I would probably just give you a smile and tell you that it 'f*cks you to death!' Okay, I know it does something to inhibit DNA and RNA polymerase, binding to some pyrophosphate bond or something, but my point is that Pharmaco is an utterly boring subject that I have absolutely no passion for and if it wasn't for the fact that I need to pass the subject to get my MBBS, I wouldn't be bothered with trying to memorizing these stupid facts at all.
If studying antiviral drugs was already such a pain the ass, just imagine the amount of work I have to go through for the stack of notes on antibiotics. I know that medical historians say that antibiotics are the saviours of mankind, but seriously, they should be renamed the killer-of-medical-students-who hate-pharmacology. I'm sorry Sir Alexander Fleming, but your discovery of Penicillin really makes me sad.
Today's just one of the days where I really feel like CRAP for taking up my place in medical school, and subjecting myself to this much work, memory, studying and stress. Just when I felt like I was making progress in finishing the whole stack of notes on Infectious Diseases, I found a winzip file under my 'M2 Notes' folder that was unzipped. Thinking that it's very strange and discomforting to have an unzipped winzip file in my Notes folder, I decided to unzip it: lo and behold, out came 4 more sets of Infectious Disease notes, notes that I had conveniently forgotten about ages ago, and thus had not printed out (or studied) yet.
At that point in time, I just wanted to yell 'FUCK!' and just throw in the towel. For just that moment in time, I really felt like giving it up, freaking giving it all up and quit medical school and just stay home to rot. But then, the medical student in me promptly took over: I took a look at the clock on the wall, drew in a deep breath and proceeded to open the first file to start my reading.
Everytime I hear some fellow medical student complain and whine about how much stuff we have to learn; how hard they are forcing us to work, how little time for relaxing and fun we have; I have the urge to remind them that we chose this path ourselves, knowing full well what we were going to get ourselves into and that we have absolutely no right to complain. So I gave myself the exact same advise that I would give to another beleaguered medical student: stop the incessant whining, suck it all up and just slog on.
And please don't tell me that it isn't supposed to be easy, because that's just telling me what I already know.
With the end of lessons for M2, and the last round of CAs and our 2nd Pros in sight, my second year of medical education is fast coming to an end. And right now, I am seriously running out of time. Due to sheer miscalculation and foolishness, I have given myself far more time to study then there actually is. Which is a sad thing, because now I have to enter a phase of sheer isolation and lock myself up to hasten my pursuit of knowledge, and to survive the upcoming period of severe trials and tribulations. And in the midst of it all, I have to deal with the fact that we are moving over on the 23rd and 24th, a weekend that could prove valuable to anyone's study plan. This is NOT good indeed.
As of now, I have NOT failed a single test in Med school before. I intend to keep it that way, and I really don't intend to start failing right now.
I shall now take a deep breathe and exhale slowly to allow the essence of my chi to flow from my abdomen to my heart and to my head. To clear the mind, is the first essential step to victory over your doubts and fears.
Thanks to Paul's performance at the 心年快乐 event this afternoon, this song is stuck in my head right now. I know lots of people love the original by Teresa Teng, but I must say I love the Sodagreen version best.
Its a very poignant song, with touching lyrics. I must say I was almost moved to tears this afternoon, not only due to Paul's rendition of this song, but also by David's and Joanna's strings duet of another Teresa Teng classic '月亮代表我的心' (or was it '甜蜜蜜'?) . I must be really really exhausted to feel that way. These two days have been particularly tiring and trying for me, and I have NO idea why. Feels as if I've reached the brink of exhaustion and something is struggling to pull me away from oblivion before I collapse and die.
Anyway, I wish I could sleep now. Exhaustion gives you a horribly short fuse. I hope it doesn't blow anytime soon.
Sidenote: its the end of CNY break, and I feel horribly, horribly depressed. I've never felt so sad about starting school before. But then again, I've never started school after a long break with a whole month of exams and CAs for me to tackle so I guess its only natural for me to feel this damn way.
Today's one of the crappiest days ever. A total roller coaster of emotions. I was happy in the morning, shocked at noon, in a high in the afternoon, and was promptly sent crushing downwards later, recovered in the evening and night, only to be promptly made angry by startling revelations later that night.
I shall not comment on what has happened, because it is not constructive to comment on things that have already happened. I don't really know what to say actually. I'm like seriously loss for words at the speed at which things happened. All I can say is that I am not going to blame anybody, because I am bigger hearted than that.
ANYWAY, on to happier stuff. Alice turned 21! I haven't seen the XC people for ages, partly due to personal isolation or whatever. But anyway, I turned up horribly late for the dinner get together. Chit chatted and caught up with most who were there. Also listened to people deplore how horribly thin I've become, which I totally do not agree with. Think I made a fool of myself again, and also found out from Eileen (who's studying TCM in NTU) that I have a heaty pulse and extremely weak chi or something. Which is quite true because I'm most likely dying. Enjoyed a nice train ride home with my dearest junior Xinhui, where we emo-ed about University life and how difficult it has turned out to be. Got home quite late, but still it was interesting to meet up and see how everyone has changed.
Medical School is supposed to be one of the elite institutions of learning. The professors here are supposed to be the best in their fields. They are supposed to make sense. Here are some of memorable quotes from some of the best NUS has to offer.
1. "(Insert drug name) is suppose to have this (insert effect) on the patient. How does it happen? It happens." -insert cue for me to roar in frustration-
2. "As you can see, I chose a picture of a rainbow as my first slide. To many people, a rainbow represents hope. This picture is very important. I place a rainbow here because for psychosis patients there is hope." -insert cue for me to roll my eyes-
3. "When you see things, they are called visual hallucinations. When you hear things, they are called auditory hallucinations. When you feel and taste things, they are called... hallucinations." -insert cue for me to slam my head on the table-
4. "What happens when a neuron dies? Well, it dies." -insert cue for me to pull my hair off-
5. "I had a good friend from medical school: he was a good doctor, came from a happy family, was well to do. He was a good friend of mine. Then one day, he committed suicide." *SMILE* -insert cue for me to stare in disbelief-
On another note, I absolutely love pathology. The pictures of damaged body parts are just so wonderful to behold! Come to daddy, baby!
I'm in a very bad state right now. My mouth's full of ulcers and my right eye is acting up again. Its hard to enjoy my post Bacteriology break because come Monday, studying for pathology STARTS. Yet here I am feeling like shit. All I can do is to listen to my favourite songs to keep my mind off the fact that my eye feels like its being gnawed by ants, and to resist the urge to scratch it or even rip it out of my socket and crush it into a million fragments. I'm trying not to scratch it or even put any eye drops, because I suspect I'm allergic to eye drops - my eye swelled after I placed a few drops of the concoction on it. I have no idea how I managed to fall asleep last night, when it was like swollen and threatening to pop out of my socket. Its a miracle I didn't freak out or anything. One and a half years in medical school does imbue some level of tolerance for grossness around you, even if the matter at hand happens to be your own eye.
I hope its not an infection or anything, because one and a half years in medical school have also taught me that infections to the eye can be horribly nasty. I could end up blind or even worse, have a disseminated infection that spreads to other parts of the body. The most unfortunate thing that could happen is death. But honestly, I'm more afraid of being blind than dying. Don't ask me why. I just feel that way.
Considering the state of my health, it is easy to conclude that I am not in the best of moods right now. I apologize if I have been snappish or uninterested or just sullen when I am around people. Its just that its not possible to be happy when you have been suffering from sleepless nights due to a mis-behaving eye - you wake up all tired and frustrated that you are just not getting any quality sleep. Plus my mouth's full of ulcers - which makes it difficult to even eat or talk, let alone smile and laugh.
I can't even sing along with my favourite songs now. That seriously pisses me of, because I listen to music and sing out loud when I am angry or frustrated or stress, and right now, I am just not getting any happy vibes following through my system.
Concerning other matters: Bacteriology CA wasn't very good. I think majority of the cohort thought it was better than the virology one, but I didn't think it was much simpler or anything. I wrote rubbish and would just be happy with a pass. So stop bugging me about how easy it was already.
We had lectures after the CA, which was a real kill joy or a good distraction from it all, depending on where you stand. I think its so sad that we could just transition like that, as if the holidays didn't actually happen. But after lectures, there was a surprised outing initiated by Sara and Shihui and a few of us went to Sara's new house for an impromptu house warming. Stayed there for awhile before leaving early because it was my mom's birthday and I had dinner then.
Had a nice dinner out with the family last night, at some fancy restaurant that served delicious Cantonese cuisine. I tasted one of the best double-boiled wintermelon soups ever! I am a soup lover so I was very very happy last night. Then the whole eye swelling thing happened and made me pissed off for the rest of the night.
I was reminded of the song above when we went to Sara's house yesterday. So yeah, its been stuck in my head and that's why its there.
And as the countdown to my third ever microbiology CA begins, I start to wonder just how porous my brain really is. This is the second time in medical school where I feel that I know nothing about the subject matter of the upcoming paper. (The first was the first CA for anatomy in M1.)
I hate this feeling of knowing that you studied but somehow or another, it wouldn't make a difference at all because whatever you read, doesn't really register in your brain. Its not a good feeling, definitely not, and its honestly, a feeling that doesn't really manifest too often for me. Yes, I will forget stuff when I study, but not to the extent where my brain feels empty inside.
I know certain people out there think that bacteria are cuddly and cute, but, right now, at this very moment, I feel that Bacteriology really sucks. There are just too many strange sounding names and incoherent, confusing details that its enough to make the horror that was virology look nice. But then, I actually enjoyed virology. But I'm finding it hard to conjure any inkling of love for bacteria and its purulent ilk.
I have a few more bacteriology tables to go through, but I am reluctant to do so because I know, that at this point in time, nothing is going to stay in my brain, EVEN if it makes sense! AND that is the infuriating thing about it all - that I can be made to appear so stupid when I am NOT.
I will most probably fail the paper tomorrow. To quote some random stranger, 'It's an honor to die at your hands.'
Its been ages since I've been here! I apologize for not blogging - I've been too busy enjoying life over the past few days to care. Kekekekeke! I wish I can say that I have lots of interesting things to talk about today, but the fact is I don't. Its just so hard to think of anything to say these days - too much sleeping and mindless entertainment has effectively turned my brain into mush.
On another note, today's the last day of school for semester one of M2. Ironically, it doesn't even feel like the last day of school. There's really very little excitement over the whole event - it all feels very muted and uninteresting, like it really doesn't matter at all. A few folks at school told me its because we have been celebrating our past week in a fashion reminiscent of the start of the holidays, long before school has actually ended, so much so when the actual last day before the holidays arrives, everything just feels so uneventful. And when you couple in the fact that the holiday's really a long study break for the second round of CAs in January, you really don't see much to rejoice about. Life's just like that. Multiple holes to topple in, one after another. But that doesn't mean we give up and don't keep trying to jump across the potholes! No matter how sucky it gets, we can do nothing braver than to just shoulder through.
I think I should do some backdating here. On Monday, I went to Minds Cafe with some of my anat group friends. Played lots of games and also incurred a high parking fee. (I really can't ever get over how expensive parking is!) On Tuesday, I made my first driving foray with the OG into the heart of Chinatown, and what a congested place it is. If it wasn't for Shihui's directions, I would have ended up lost (and probably killed a few people along the way as well!) It was a memorable experience, because our convoy of cars got split up halfway and quite a number of us got lost. Plus we got waylaid at some eatery where we were surrounded by store owners who acted like a pack of ravenous wolves, waiting to cheat us of money for buying over priced dishes. But anyway, that's not the point because we went there to have a Kbox session in celebration of Shihui's birthday! Didn't sing much, but still, it was a memorable day. And today was spent at an impromptu session at AMKHub with David and Woochiao where I discovered how fun AMKHub can actually be! Not the place of course, but the company. And the kind of topics and conversations they bring to the table. It would have been more hilarious if Kailiang was there, but there'll always be future opportunities for future AMKHub meetings!
I was reading some personality quiz and horoscope analysis thing and I got some rather interesting results that made me go 'hmmmmmm...' I read that the key to making someone whose star sign is of a Mutable type is to keep emphasizing how much you love him/her, and at the same time, how much you hate that person as well. Apparently, such a relationship is very appealing to a Mutable type horoscope, because they find that a relationship built on being able to love someone despite being irritated by the person's flaws, is the most realistic of relationships. Since I'm a Gemini, which is a Mutable sign, I find that extremely true. Relationships that are overly lovey-dovey are just so unrealistic - I always feel that the best relationships are those that can live through the biggest of tragedies and storms. You love a person more after hating her.
Another (rather naughty) personality test I read goes something like this: If you had a chance to learn one of the following love skills, which would you choose? 1. How to make the perfect sex video. 2. How to make love in 100 different positions. 3. How to make DIY sex toys. 4. How to make the perfect aphrodisiac cocktail. Apparently, this test is used to identify the way you view love/relationships.
But anyway, I chose option 4 and apparently, people who choose this option are people who view love from a romantic point of view - they create an idyllic fantasy of their love life, a perfectly scripted Korean style drama, the fairy-tale love story, tragic or overly dramatic kind of love story, those kind of things. Such people are eternally trapped in their own idealistic view of love and how they hope to live through it and achieve it. And upon reading the results, I immediately thought of how true the whole thing is. Goodness knows how many idyllic scenarios I have fantasized and dreamt and created in my brain, how many fairy-tale stories I have created without them ever coming to life or ever being fulfilled. As much as I try to deny it, I'm a hopeless romantic. I dream and wish for the impossible. The 'love-at-first-sight', 'sweeping-each-other-of-their-feet', 'I-will-climb-the-highest-mountains, swim-the-deepest-seas-and-even-die-for-you' kind of love. The kind of love story that will only be seen on the scripts of the most sappy drama serials. Its not realistic, but hey, let's face it, I'm not a realistic person at all! (at least most of the time anyway.)
Sometimes I wonder if I should prick the bubble around me and stop being so oblivious and dreamy about the real world. But I conclude the horrific extent of how dirty and dark the world is, would KILL me. So really, I think its better for me to stay within this little bubble of mine - because I'm not really ready for the real world.
'Kekkaishi' is one of the few Japanese anime/manga series I am following right now. It airs every weekday from 1900 to 1930, and its one of the many factors contributing to my slow progress in studying. Anyway, its another supernatural type Japanese anime, about a boy destined to slay demons and protect his family from evil, somewhat like 'Bleach'. I love watching animes that have such themes - ghosts, demons, spiritual powers etc. It has a quality that really appeals to me.
Here's the synopsis from Wikipedia: "Five hundred years ago, a feudal lord was attacked by demons wanting to retrieve his mysterious inner power, the invincible power that can help them take over the human world. The famous mage, Tokimori Hazama, was called upon, and with his 2 students, managed to save the whole land. But due to their sickness, the feudal lord was killed, his power buried with him at a site called Karasumori.
In the present day, Yoshimori Sumimura and Tokine Yukimura, heirs of the Hazama clan, became the Kekkaishi protecting the land and the power. They use a technique called Kekkai, a form of magical barrier, used to capture and destroy Ayakashi (monsters/demons) that are drawn to this land. Any demons that come near the power will become stronger and therefore Yoshimori and Tokine are to guard the land from intrusion of the Ayakashi.
But some of the demons form a powerful organization to take over that mysterious power. Yoshimori plans to destroy not only the demons, but also to gain the power to completely save the world from being controlled by demons. To do that, he first needs to know what the power actually is, and also strengthen his poor kekkai skills."
The story has progressed to quite an interesting stage. The animation and battle sequences are so much better than 'Bleach', very exciting. 'Bleach' is like a whole new mythology, whereas 'Kekkaishi' is quite a new story, and the plot has yet to reach epic proportions yet, so its still easy to try and catch up. But the story's getting interesting! The characters are quite funny as well, I love the demon dogs the two protagonists keep as companions in their demon hunts. Watching the anime is good stress relief, makes me wanna be Japanese and have supernatural powers to slay demons as well.
That said, I dunno how I am going to survive the upcoming CAs. I've heard from seniors that M2 is also known as the 'Burnt Out Year', and as we fast approach the first half of the year, I can already see why. There's just too much things being taught and tested in too short a span of time. Pathology is making me sick. So is Neurology. Thank god the workload for Pharmacology isn't that big and I managed to finish it over the weekend already. I really feel sad that I have to go back to reading Pathology instead of surfing the net for more 'Kekkaishi' related stuff.
And here's something interesting that I picked up from Yisheng's blog!
Okay, this is here because Shihui complained that the previous youtube video featuring Sodagreen wasn't even an official new music video. Not wanting to admit defeat (hehe) I found this, which is a new official music video of one of their new songs. I think its the second single from their latest album, but I'm a bit perplexed as to why they didn't film a music video for the first single instead. But oh well, who cares as long as its good music? In stark comparison to the previous song, this one is utterly sappy and overly happy - and strangely, it works, because even cynical old me finds its cheerful infectious melody hard to resist! Which is good, because its time to temporarily shake away the exam blues baby, and be happy and merry for awhile before revertance to exam mode occurs! Woo-hoo!
Its amazing how a single band can produce songs of such extremes: ballads that are so poetic, touching and emotional, and fast tracks that are so happy, cheerful and saccharin-sweat. Amazing.
Anyway, my first three papers for CA1 are over. Now to wait til the last week on November for the final three papers. Immunology and Virology were both pretty challenging papers; Immunology was okay, but Virology was just a killer. They tested us on viruses that weren't even taught and also on specific details that I just never thought they would be evil us to test us on. Oh well, they are over. I just freaking hope I pass both papers with a decent mark. Time to enjoy myself for the next two days before the mugging starts all over again this weekend.
And speaking of enjoyment and oh-so-delightful fun, take a look at this sneak peak of the up and coming episode of Grey's! I'm having a hard time deciding which part is funnier - Meredith's look of abject horror when George and Izzie complain to her about their horrendous love-making; George complaining about Izzie being a porn star; Izzie complaining that George's kisses like a chicken 'Did he peck you like a chicken Mer?' or Cristina's "I'm painting Burke's apartment so that I can stop calling it Burke's apartment. A happy colour ... Red. Like blood." (she really gets the best lines!) Looks like this week's episode of Grey's is going to be a funny funny funny one!
Name: voldemort33
XY, 01/06/1987, s'porean typical geminian free-thinker moody & eccentric thinks far too much for his own good med student (be afraid. be very afraid!) demon45_6f@hotmail.com
crazy craves
music (jazz, rock and lounge) day-dreaming drawing & photography animals (sheep!) chocolate and tea! seafood, noodles and soup!
pet peeves
noisy crowds over-possessive, insecure, whiny people two-faced hypocrites housework and homework being called 'rich' rushing to do stuff crying, pesky kids
deepest darkest desires! (aka wishlist!)
to be a doctor (with a heart of gold!) a dog my own condo apartment a driving license and my own four wheel drive my own comic line someone to hug
