| Saturday, 8 September 2007 |
| what am i doing here? |
I suddenly got reminded of this song by John Mayer, which he released way back, before he became a troll and started hooking up with Jessica Simpson.
Sounds a bit too happy to reflect my morose mood right now, but hey, I guess it'll do.
"Yes I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by all this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting for my fuse to dry" - "Bigger Than My Body", John Mayer
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I was on my way home from Tan Tock Seng Hospital today when I had one of those moments where I just completely, and rather mysteriously descended into a depression.
I was walking through the underpass towards Ang Mo Kio hub/bus interchange, squeezing through the massive crowds of commuters who were trying to head home as well, when all of a sudden, a feeling of utter helplessness just came onto me - it was as if someone just emptied a whole pail of ice cold water all over me, like I can never ever be happy again.
And at that moment in time, I started asking myself why I'm in Medicine. It feels as if all the previous ideals and reasons I had for entering Medicine doesn't even exist in this real world.
I don't know why, but its so so disheartening, so so disappointing even, to realize that I've sort of lost my reason for studying Medicine. That everything I've wanted and hoped to achieve seem to be, with each passing day, more like an idyllic fantasy that can never achieve.
Doctors aren't as selfless and great as I thought them to be, Medicine is much more darker and political than I thought it to be, and Hospitals aren't the places of healing I picture them to be.
I feel like people in Singapore don't deserve to be healed, don't deserved to be helped, because somehow or another, we have squandered all our heart, hopes and basic humility and humanity for something more material, for something like wealth, and money; for booze and partying; for debauchery and hypocritical politeness.
It irritates me, even pisses me off, when I see youngsters acting like gangsters, smoking and spewing vulgarities; children being spoilt brats who won't shut up when their parents ask them to do so; peers being irresponsible people who just party and squander their lives away, without any attempt at restraint at all; adults being uncaring, self-centered individuals who simply don't give a damn about the fate of the rest of society.
And it makes me sad to think that the whole reason why I wanted to be a doctor in the first place was to do some good for society - but the society I'm working to serve and help has ended up in such a sorry, sordid state, I feel like they don't deserve any help I want to and hope to give.
All my hopes and ideals were for absolutely nothing.
Maybe its because of the fact that I'm still recovering from illness, or that I'm exhausted from a long week. Or maybe its just because I'm feeling blue.
But I feel like I need some reassurance that there's still some good in this world to fight for, which is being overly idealistic, but hey, that's just me.
(And if you could stop all the unhappiness, that'll be great too.)
Sigh.Labels: emo, music, society, soul |
posted by voldemort33 @ 00:06  |
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