| Saturday, 19 April 2008 |
| 1st week of clinicals |
So the first week of clinicals has come and gone. I think everyone has their own opinion of how good ,(or bad) it was. I think its infinitely better than the days in lecture halls, struggling to stay awake during boring lectures. But at the same time, its so much more challenging and tiring compared to the foundation years. First of all, we have much longer hours. Secondly, we no longer have the structured lessons and system of the past. And lastly, we no longer get to see all the friends and people that we used to be able to spend time with everyday.
The whole uncertainty that being in clinics bring is quite daunting. I suppose everyone feels kinda out of loop of what exactly we should do and how about we should be doing it. I mean, everyone knows we are in the wards to learn how to do the basics of taking a history and eventually, to learn how to do a basic physical exam. We know that we should be learning to talk to patients, to get over our initial fear of interacting with patients. So what do many of us try to do? Keep clerking patients. But then again, that isn't easy because it takes lots of luck to find a patient that is willing to entertain you, and also lots of guts to approach that patient in the first place.
So at the end of the day, everyone goes home exhausted and frustrated. Frustrated that we seem to be going absolutely nowhere with the clerking and history taking and the physical examination. But I guess, we can't rush such things and can't force us to make the transition from mugger to rugger in like 5 days? There's still lots of stuff to iron out really, and I guess we'll never actually ever give up trying and probably only achieve that total transition when we have gone on in like 10 years time to become some successful doctor in some hopefully good hospital or clinic.
Talking to patients is really tough. I realize that all the previous fantasies and images of me being a doctor with natural empathy and the ability to communicate with patients are absolutely rubbish. I sometimes don't know what to say to patients. Its so hard really to balance the feeling and the thinking, and to be honest, right now, I'm so busy thinking that I'm not capable of doing much feeling at all.
But then again, some patients just HAVE the ability to make you feel. Take the little old lady I met yesterday in the wards and the other old lady I met during NHS today. I can't talk about them here, but lets just say that I can't help but feel totally helpless and useless when I think about them. I think its going to the wards and the grassroots that makes you realize that there is very very little that Medicine alone can help achieve. Medicine without the Social and Political will to help results in half-hearted attempts to change people's lives really. So really, you can't change anything by being in Medicine, and if you are in this job to change lives, you shouldn't hope too much. But if you are in this to help in whatever way's possible, then yes, you're in for the right reasons.Labels: clinics, school, society, soul |
posted by voldemort33 @ 22:39  |
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| Sunday, 6 April 2008 |
| hidden patriot in me rants |
I just have to get this off my chest.
Okay, so I was reading some online forum when I came across this entry about how Singapore looked like a nice and beautiful place to live in. I was feeling quite happy reading about the different wonderful things foreigners had to say about Singapore when I came across this entry: 'i live in singapore and i can tell you that there is nothing really beautiful about here.'
Reading that made me extremely angry. What got me angry was not that this Singaporean was lambasting Singapore (when foreigners were doing the exact opposite), but rather the way he was doing it - unsubstantiated, unbalanced, uncouth.
I mean, I'm not a patriot or anything and I also strongly feel that Singapore is not that perfect a place to live in, but come on, as Singaporeans, let's give this country some credit because while it isn't paradise, it isn't that bad a place to live in either.
I know that Singapore still has lots of room to evolve and develop into that perfect paradise (if it exists!) that so many of us aspire to live in and that yes, its still rather rigid, sterile and synthetic a place to grow up in, but the fact is, this country is still a beautiful one. I have done my fair bit of traveling around the world and to be honest, there are very few countries that feels like home the way Singapore feels.
I think we Singaporeans, especially the younger generation, really like to complain about life here in Singapore. We complain about this and that, on all sorts of matters ranging from media censorship to the lack of gay rights; from a lack of fun things to do to the lack of freedom of speech.
We tend to focus only on what Singapore lacks and not on what Singapore actually has, so much so that we are often oblivious and blind to the various benefits that we as Singaporeans do enjoy.
For example, we have beautiful parks to laze our afternoons away (just that NO ONE uses them!), we have a burgeoning arts scene that's steadily evolving and developing, we have many new exciting big events and developments coming to the country (F1, YOG, IRs), we have a developing and some would say, exciting nightlife.
Even if we want to comment of liberalizing society and the political system, we have to remember that we've come a long way compare to the times of our grandparents, and compared with our neighbours surrounding us, we aren't doing that bad in this aspect of development. Again, we tend to forget that liberalization takes time and even Western societies had to undergo hundreds, even centuries to achieve the kind of liberalization that they experience today, let alone us, a nation of ONLY 43 short years of nation building!
People just forget that our nation is a horribly young nation and keeps insisting that we do so much more than what we are probably able to achieve. Why not stop complaining, give it some slack and let it continue to grow and develop into something more natural and complete?
Perhaps it is us, young Singaporeans who don't really know what we are looking for. We keep saying that we want to live in a place with lots of opportunities, a place that's fun, exciting and vibrant, yet classy, with lots of culture etc.
We keep insisting on going overseas to enjoy 'the amazing life' there, as if everything that's Westernized or foreign is perfect.
But then again, I've heard many of my friends and relatives who have gone and studied/stayed abroad telling me that despite their experiences, Singapore is still the only place they feel truly at home. So when we are back in safe, friendly, comfortable Singapore, we feel bored, restricted, sterile. When we are abroad in exciting, fresh, challenging lands, we feel unprotected, lonely, lost.
So what exactly are we looking for? A land that's a mix of both? I highly doubt you'll find such a place in the living world.
I am certain that as our population becomes more and more liberal and educated, such debates on whether Singapore is truly that beautiful a place to live in will continue to persist. I have nothing against such debates, but they should be carried out in a mature, constructive manner that's balanced and not something that's so uncouth and so narrow minded.
I know that National Day's still a few months away, you never know when the hidden patriot in me wants desires to take over.Labels: randomness, society |
| posted by voldemort33 @ 01:41 |
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| Saturday, 8 September 2007 |
| what am i doing here? |
I suddenly got reminded of this song by John Mayer, which he released way back, before he became a troll and started hooking up with Jessica Simpson.
Sounds a bit too happy to reflect my morose mood right now, but hey, I guess it'll do.
"Yes I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by all this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting for my fuse to dry" - "Bigger Than My Body", John Mayer
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I was on my way home from Tan Tock Seng Hospital today when I had one of those moments where I just completely, and rather mysteriously descended into a depression.
I was walking through the underpass towards Ang Mo Kio hub/bus interchange, squeezing through the massive crowds of commuters who were trying to head home as well, when all of a sudden, a feeling of utter helplessness just came onto me - it was as if someone just emptied a whole pail of ice cold water all over me, like I can never ever be happy again.
And at that moment in time, I started asking myself why I'm in Medicine. It feels as if all the previous ideals and reasons I had for entering Medicine doesn't even exist in this real world.
I don't know why, but its so so disheartening, so so disappointing even, to realize that I've sort of lost my reason for studying Medicine. That everything I've wanted and hoped to achieve seem to be, with each passing day, more like an idyllic fantasy that can never achieve.
Doctors aren't as selfless and great as I thought them to be, Medicine is much more darker and political than I thought it to be, and Hospitals aren't the places of healing I picture them to be.
I feel like people in Singapore don't deserve to be healed, don't deserved to be helped, because somehow or another, we have squandered all our heart, hopes and basic humility and humanity for something more material, for something like wealth, and money; for booze and partying; for debauchery and hypocritical politeness.
It irritates me, even pisses me off, when I see youngsters acting like gangsters, smoking and spewing vulgarities; children being spoilt brats who won't shut up when their parents ask them to do so; peers being irresponsible people who just party and squander their lives away, without any attempt at restraint at all; adults being uncaring, self-centered individuals who simply don't give a damn about the fate of the rest of society.
And it makes me sad to think that the whole reason why I wanted to be a doctor in the first place was to do some good for society - but the society I'm working to serve and help has ended up in such a sorry, sordid state, I feel like they don't deserve any help I want to and hope to give.
All my hopes and ideals were for absolutely nothing.
Maybe its because of the fact that I'm still recovering from illness, or that I'm exhausted from a long week. Or maybe its just because I'm feeling blue.
But I feel like I need some reassurance that there's still some good in this world to fight for, which is being overly idealistic, but hey, that's just me.
(And if you could stop all the unhappiness, that'll be great too.)
Sigh.Labels: emo, music, society, soul |
| posted by voldemort33 @ 00:06 |
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| Saturday, 12 May 2007 |
| 3 days (part2) |
Okay, so here's the second part of my entries for the previous 3 days.
09/05/07
I went driving during the lunch hour, and compared to the PREVIOUS session, it was a smooth sailing one. I'm quite thankful I didn't meet that previous instructor again. I swear I would have committed suicide in front of him if I had to go through another lesson with him.
After driving, I went to the Esplanade for my annual 'Arty-Farty Retreat'. I spent the whole afternoon in the Esplanade Library, reading books on film, theatre, music, and art. Even drew a few sketches on my sketchpad, tried to refine some drawing techniques and all. So it was quite a good afternoon, until I got a bit irritated with a couple of girls sitting beside me, who were talking so loudly, discussing some composition they had to write. So I decided to just go and have a cup of hot chocolate at the chocolate place downstairs.
After that went to explore Little India with Alice, Jinx and Zhiyong. The buggers didn't tell me that they changed the meeting place! So I ended up waiting at Farrer Park MRT for like half an hour. And they didn't even seem remorseful about it! Grrrrr. (I supposed they didn't even know that I was coming in the first place.)
Thank god for my sketchpad. I actually drew an interesting conceptual design for a character in my comic series while waiting for them.
Walked around Little India. Its quite an out of this world place to be in. It feels so different from the rest of Singapore, where it retains its own separate identity and life: everything there seems to be occurring at pace very different from that in normal Singapore.
You have vehicles and drivers who won't hesitate to knock you down, you have your interesting spice shops, garment shops, goldsmiths. It just feels different. Interesting place.
The three of them had dinner at some contemporary place which sells all kinds of vegetarian Indian cuisine. I don't exactly know what they ate, but I didn't eat anything cause well, I don't eat Indian food (because I can't take chili) and I had already eaten an Italian BMT from Subway prior to that. (this is called... FORESIGHT)
Anyway, they ordered too much and I had quite alot of fun gloating and watching them struggle through their meal, which was clearly intended to feed at least six people. Took lots of photos (and a 5 min video) of them in various states of discomfort, struggling to finish their food.
Oh I did order a drink called 'Lassi'. The waiter told me it was 'Butter Milk' so I thought I would give it a try. My first impression of the drink was that it was liquid cheese - really really strong liquid cheese. According to the rest, however, it was Yogurt. Which I didn't know, because... well, prior to that, I've never tasted Yogurt before.
But anyway, I couldn't stand it, so I gave it to the three of them. It was promptly thrown away with the rest of the left overs.
On an entirely different note:
Quarreled with my dad over the issue of the house. He shouted at me, said that I was rude (and admittedly, I was a tad bit rude to him) and I just ignored him and continued watching my TV show.
Think the house is gonna tear my family apart. But that would be such perfect soap-opera material, don't think I'm that fortunate (or unfortunate) to live such a life. Haha.
We'll see how it goes.Labels: friends, randomness, society |
| posted by voldemort33 @ 00:13 |
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| Monday, 16 April 2007 |
| it feels like the end of it all... |
My exams started with Anatomy today, which I felt was quite a smooth paper.
So its one down, two more to go. But it feels like the whole thing has ended already. I came home and just watched TV.
Can you believe that I was stuck on Oprah for an hour? I know, I know, kinda pathetic but she was doing this fascinating story on Crystal Meth addicts who were just out of rehab and describing how difficult their road to recovery was. Some of the stories were very inspiring and thought-provoking, I just couldn't find the will power to stop watching it.
Its pretty sobering to note that so many Americans out there, ranging from 17 year old teens to 30/40 year old soccer moms who are addicted to such a deadly drug. Quite tragic.
For the uninitiated, Crystal Meth is the latest drug that is being widely abused in America. Oprah describes it as an epidemic.
And its causing a lot of trouble there because 1. its cheap, 2. you can actually make it at home, 3. its being abused by millions of Americans, whether they be old, young, or middle aged. They actually call it 'The Devil's Drug' and 'Poor Man's Cocaine'.
Its quite scary actually, because the drug effectively compromises your brain function by literally burning holes into your brain. So you gradually start to lose all kinds of mental functions: you can't feel emotions, you can't judge right from wrong, you can't weigh the consequence of your actions, you can't think straight, you can't work, you can't sleep, you can't communicate. An overdose of it just causes you to become brain dead.
I don't think it has arrived on S'pore shores yet (and I hope it never does) but if any of you out there is thinking of taking Crystal Meth (or any other drug for that matter) do think carefully about what you stand to lose. In other words: Don't do it.
(I placed that warning above because I happen to feel that I know quite alot of potential drug abusers. Haha. You guys know who you are! Drugs aren't the way to go man.)
ANYWAY. I digress. I was saying (before I launched into that whole tirade above that looked remarkably like a GP essay) that I came home feeling as if the whole exams are over. Watched TV, surfed the net. And when I tried to start studying, I fell asleep for 2 hours and when I woke up, it was dinner time already. And now I'm typing this entry. Tsk tsk.
Was telling Matthew when we were queuing up for Subway at lunch, that I really don't feel like studying anymore and he said 'DAMIAN! Come on! Just two more days! Just two more days and it'll be over!'
He's right you know. Just two more days and I can give up mugging for like... another 3 to 4 months? But you know, its always harder now that its so near to the end.
We were also discussing about the fact that pros are actually here. Its so surreal don't you think? It almost felt like yesterday when we just started M1. And now, we are actually at the end of M1. Wow.
Makes me wonder what I spent my previous academic year on.
Anyway, its Biochem tomorrow. The most dry and tedious of the lot. I hate studying for Biochem. Its always the greatest pain in the *ss. Argh.
And the paper isn't going to be a piece of cake. Can you imagine? 10 MEQs and 3 30 mark essays? In 3 hours? *shakes head*
Oh well. Enough already. I really should go do what little studying that I can manage.
Just two more days. Just two more days. Just two more days...Labels: school, society, tv |
| posted by voldemort33 @ 20:03 |
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